Christmas Joy!

My heart is so full. I can remember last Christmas when all of our thoughts were on Dreamsicle and wondering where she was. Wondering if she was warm, and well fed. What a difference a year makes. We now know that she is warm, well fed, well loved and oh so funny. Dreamsicle received a Tickle Me Elmo doll which we can't figure out if she loves or hates. She sort of laughs/cries as he rolls around on the floor, but she will ask you to press his belly again and again. She does seem to enjoy him more if she is safely ensconced in her daddy's arms. We started the morning out in our Christmas PJ's. The festivities began at 7:30 am. Grandma and Aunt Genious came over to watch the opening of the gifts for the babe as well as having the boys, Princess and Pixie present. We may have gone a little overboard in the gift giving dept but I put about half of her gifts away and will bring them back out over the course of the next year.

We all opened gifts, ate breakfast and changed into our clothes. After about an hour of downtime it was on to Grandma's house for lunch with Grandma, the cousins and aunt. She received more gifts, ate lots of green beans (my girl is a veggie lover, that is for sure) then we left for home and nap time.

Once Dreamsicle woke up, friends of ours came over for a Christmas night bite to eat and much frivolity ensued as the little kids played with the big kids and made me laugh until I cried.

It was a great day but I now think I had better make friends with my eliptical machine fast.

Christmas pictures!

More pictures soon, I promise!

So Much To Say, So Little Time

I am sitting here with butterflies in my stomach. Chester just touched down at the airport we use that is an hour away from home. His fiance, Princess, will be bringing him home. I am giddy like a school girl. He will be home until January 1st and I honestly am considering sewing my fingers together to make a continuous loop of my body. That way I could throw my arms around him and he could just drag me around wherever he goes over the course of the next week. I can't get enough of that kid when he is home. OH! And he finally gets to meet Dreamsicle for the first time. Cannot wait.

Gramma's in 'da house! I picked my mom up at the airport (she has been enjoying herself in Texas this winter but came home for Christmas) two days ago. When we entered the house, she yelled Dreamsicle's name. Dreamsicle RAN into her arms and it has been a mutual love fest ever since. She loves herself some Grammy, that is for sure. The three of us spent the day shopping and she would just fall into little giggle fits whenever she made eye contact with her Grandma.

What was supposed to be a "smallish" Christmas-intended because Dreamsicle is still so tiny and the boys are now men (ha! I just called my boys men! or would that be boys to men??) I was going to take it easy on the pocketbook this time. But the tree is big and looked sorely forlorn without many pretty, pretty packages underneath it so that problem has now been rectified. Bring the day on!

Much cooking will be done tomorrow and much feasting the next day. Pictures early next week, I promise!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ho-Ho-Holy Cow I Am Tired

Wow, this rushing around trying to get everything done is really taking a toll on me this year. Could be the 17 pound piece of velcro that I am currently wearing. Dreamsicle has decided that she must be attached to me physically whenever we go shopping. I love, love, love the fact that she wants to be close and quite frankly, I would be lost without the baby carrier I purchased before we left for China. BUT! Trying to carry packages through the mall with a baby strapped to my chest has really been quite good for my cardiovascular system. I'm huffing and puffing as much as Santa. I keep telling myself that by the time the holidays are done, I could lose another 5 pounds if I keep this pace up. Hmmmm.

Speaking of Dreamsicle-she continues to amaze us. She has added the words, UP, HOT, Woof-woof, I-oww-u (I love you) to her ever expanding list of words. She is really into "sneaking" around the couch to "scare" us. The only problem is, she cracks herself up so much that we know where she is even before her body appears at the edge of the couch. She makes us laugh until our eyes water almost every day. She loves books. I mean, LOVES books. Every day we read no less than 10 books (maybe the same book over and over 10 times, depending on her mood) but she loves to be read to.

I am so happy this year. This baby is incredible.

I feel so terrible for those still in the wait. I see this little girl, and my heart literally hurts that my friends don't have their daughters yet. This holiday season is going to be extremely hard on a few people that I have gotten to know. Please know that my thoughts are with you.

To my friend Holly-hang tight my friend. This will be your last Christmas without your sweet baby and I cannot wait to celebrate with you next year!

Dreamsicle and Chester

California!

I arrived safely yesterday in sunny California. My flight left the mitten state an hour and a half late and ended up being one of only two planes able to make it out before the airport was shut down due to weather. When I caught my connecting flight in Minneapolis I was upgraded to first class. Sweet! Sure made the 4 hour plane ride much more comfortable. Chester and I met up last night, stayed in a cheesy motel and headed to Disneyland first thing this morning. I did not make hotel reservations ahead of time because I wasn't sure if we would end up at Disney for sure. After spending the morning in the park, I told McGyver that we should check room availability just for kicks and giggles. We walked into the Disneyland Resort, was quoted the standard room rate, I agreed to the rate then turned to Chester and told him happy birthday. The desk clerk then began a conversation with us and found out that not only was it Chester's birthday but that he was stationed out here in the military. She excused herself for a few minutes, came back and handed us the keys to a gorgeous suite! She had upgraded us and while she was giving us the keys she thanked Chester for his service and wished him a happy birthday. Go Disney! We have spent the entire day and evening hopping between both parks and shopping at Downtown Disney. It was a great day and I'm so glad I got to spend the day of my son's birth with him. We leave tomorrow. I'll take him back to base and make my way back to San Diego for my conference. He's coming home for Christmas though so saying goodbye won't be as hard as it could be.

Happy 3 Month Anniversary!

Today marks our 3 month anniversary as a family. This is one of my favorite photos from NanChang. This picture was taken a day or two after we became a family at a local park.

My sister asked me to try to describe this journey and I simply can't seem to find the words. How do you explain a joy and love that threatens to consume your entire being? My entire adult life I have felt as if something was missing. I contributed it to the death of Matthew. Although that piece of my heart will always ache I have finally realized that his death wasn't the missing link. After all, I gave birth to him. I loved him for 3 1/2 months before I had to let him go.

The missing piece of our family was her. Our girl. Our daughter. I look at the way the boys love her, how McGyver adores her, how she has "fit" into our family so seamlessly and realize that this was the missing piece. I was meant to be the mom of four boys and one girl.

Stuff

I have a whole bunch of stuff I want to update everyone on so I'm going to throw it all into one post. First-I leave Friday for a week. Dreamsicle will be with McGyver for 7 days. My heart is breaking for making the decision to leave her that long. I have a conference that I will be attending that is going to be quite intense. It also involves taking a certification exam at the end. Because of the amount of studying I will have to do it just doesn't make sense to bring her with me. So-the conference is Monday through Friday.

I made the decision to fly out 2 days earlier. This Saturday is Chester's birthday, I haven't seen my Marine for a very long time so I'm going to rent a car and drive to him for the weekend. http://www.lbeh.org/ If you are looking for a place to donate miles or some of your hard earned money, please consider this organization. It is called Let's Bring 'Em Home. The sole reason this organization exists is to raise money to allow junior enlisted service men/women to be able to get home for the holidays by purchasing plane tickets for them. Often times our military receive their travel approval on such short notice that the cost of ticket actually hinders them from being able to make it home. My heart is touched by this organization.

Speaking of birthdays-Happy Birthday to my U*Haul! He just celebrated his 19th birthday on the 26th. I am so proud of both of these guys. They have tender hearts (in a manly sort of way, of course) and have become two terrific men whom I am proud to be able to call my sons.

Dreamsicle visited the pediatrician again yesterday. She received four more shots and kept calling out for her Daddy the whole time she was getting them. I will be so happy when the day finally gets here that she can visit the doc and not get poked. But the good news is that she has gained 3/4 pound and grown 3/4 inch in a month! So she now weighs 17 pounds and will be 16 months on Saturday. The ped is very pleased with her progress and thinks she is on target developmentally.

Pictures of our day yesterday

What To Do, What To Do

We currently reside in a large house, built lovingly by hand by McGyver. I love my house. I love the fact that every nail, every piece of wood, every thing was touched by him. He poured his heart and soul into creating an environment that is warm and inviting and large enough to raise 3 boys. But. Now the boys are gone. And I am scared. Really.

McGyver loves to hunt. He takes hunting trips that are often times a week or more in duration. This means that Dreamsicle and I are left in the big beautiful house by ourselves. With the Rottwieler. And I am terrified at night. Our house is located in the woods, away from neighbors. By day I can't imagine leaving this. But nightfall hits and I turn into a big chicken.

We have begun looking for houses in neighborhoods. Something smaller would be nice. Neighbors would be great.

But.

I'm so conflicted. I really, really don't feel right about asking McGyver to give all of this up just because I can't get over this childish fear of mine. I reason with myself-who, in their right mind is going to try to break down my door to be met by our Rottwieler for peats sake? Any advice on how to get over this fear would be appreciated.

Things I'm Thankful For

The week of Thanksgiving is upon us and as always, it offers a great opportunity to reflect on the year past. I have so much to be grateful for that I thought I would list my highlights.

1. Bringing Dreamsicle into our family. Although the wait was long and hard, now that we have her home I am very thankful for this little girl.

2. That Chester has been able to remain in the USA for the entire year of 2006. We have been able to see him a number of times and he will be home for Christmas.

3. That U*Haul got to fulfill his dream of playing college football. Way back in 3rd grade when he played rocket football he was announcing his intention to play college ball. I'm glad he was able to make his dream come true.

4. That X*Boy is the man that he is. McGyver couldn't do all that he does without the constant help of our eldest son working with him every day. It has been such a joy to watch my husband and my son knit such a special "man to man" relationship this past year.

5. That McGyver loves me with his whole heart and soul. It is incredible to be able to travel life's journey with such an amazing man.

6. That after losing my father a few years ago, and McGyver's father losing his wife a few years ago~both of our parents have found companionship and seem happy. It's been a long road for both of them.

7. I'm thankful for my job. I get to work doing something I truly enjoy and get to work with some wonderful people at the same time.

So, what are you thankful for?

That Face

My Gosh I love this girl. Our transition has been so smooth. Sometimes I think I'm tempting fate by saying that. But in reality I think we have been blessed by one awesome little girl. We are so lucky.

Two Months Home

Has it really been that long? November 8th marked our two month home anniversary. Dreamsicle has made so much progress. I haven't blogged much about the issues we faced when we first came home but I'll tell you what she has accomplished. When we first came home, she had no idea what her thumbs were for. No. Idea. She couldn't grasp anything small, feeding herself or holding a bottle or sippy cup were out of the question. She can do all 3 of these things now. She still won't crawl but will do the "inchworm crawl". Our girl is fairly timid so even though I have no doubt that she can walk unassisted she absolutely refuses to do so. She must be holding at least one of your fingers at all times when walking unless she is walking from mama to daddy. Knowing that she is walking from one set of safe arms to another allows her the security she needs to take a few independent steps.

It's funny that she is so timid when attempting to master new skills but will hold court with complete strangers, flashing her winning smile and yelling HI! (as long as she is safely in my arms).

She has finally gotten over her aversion to soft toys. She has a room full of stuffed, plushed animals which until this weekend she gave a wide berth. She got up Saturday morning, pointed for me to put her down, grabbed my finger and walked over to the pile of stuffies. She pulled out the largest stuffed frog she owns and has not let it go since.

Dreamsicle continues to delight us every day. She is still such a happy girl. Bed time has become a little rougher, she no longer goes right to sleep, there are times now when I have to go back in to her room and comfort her a few times. She is starting to feel comfortable enough with us to show us little flashes of her independence (No! I do not want peas, I must have carrots for five days in a row!).

We have been so fortunate in being matched with such an amazing little girl. I'm proud she lets me be her mama.

Hi! Hi! HI!

Dreamsicle is a social butterfly. We went grocery shopping recently and every person that walked past us was greeted with a hand wave and a boisterous-hi!.

This morning we went to a craft show. I decided to use my baby carrier rather than take the stroller since it tends to be a little cramped at a craft show. Safely ensconced in her carrier-there were no strangers left to be found by the time we left the building. Everyone was met with a smile and a HI!. It's hard to be inconspicuous when you have a 15 month old who. loves. attention.

Friday we went to the hospital to get the dreaded blood drawn for her lab work. I've been putting this off since her doctor visit because the shots she received rocked her world so much. We had to register at admitting and what should have been a 5 minute registration process turned into a 30 minute love fest for my babe and all of the hospital employees that happened to walk into the admitting office while she was there. She had people in stitches (no pun intended). Alas, the love fest turned into shriek fest '06 when they attempted to draw her blood. The first tech poked her, moved the needle around in her arm until I calmly (okay, maybe not so calmly) asked her to please remove the needle from her arm and please get someone who is trained in pediatric blood draws to make the next attempt. The next person that walked in the door was a pediatric intensivist-got what he needed in 30 seconds or less~thank you very much.

Dreamsicle is now down for her nap. Is she sleeping? Of course not! I can hear her through the baby monitor talking to the stuffed animals in her crib....Hi! Hi! HI!

Spaghetti Anyone?

Dreamsicle is really moving forward in the self feeding department. She insists on feeding herself, no matter what happens to be on the menu...

Jingle Bells

Our girl is a music maven. She LOVES music. If I put a CD in while we are driving in the car she sits in her car seat, waving her hands, moving her body to and fro.

I have video of her where Pixie would play her ringtones on her phone and Dreamsicle would dance, as soon as the ringtone would stop-she would stop dancing. It is hysterical-it looks like she is a wind up toy that moves while the music plays. If I can ever figure U-Tube out, I'll post the video.

I sing her to sleep every night. The same song-Somewhere Over The Rainbow. This is the only song that she knows she needs to be still for. There is only one small problem. I don't exactly know all of the words to the song. So I end up making up my own verses. Verses like-Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Skies are Blue~That's where we had to travel before we ever met you. Sad, huh? Anyone know the real words? Anyone?

I do take pride in the fact that at least I can make up verses to a song that is appropriate all year long. McGyver knows the words to one song and one song only-the song he sings to her in the morning while they have breakfast together. Jingle Bells.

Minnie's in 'Da House!

Dreamsicle's first Halloween. She had a great time (and kept the ears on all night long!)

Stuff In My Head

I have so much stuff rolling around in my head right now. Stuff like, trying to decide which blog to shut down-this one or the password protected one at babyjellybeans. I have people that read this blog but don't have the password for the other one and others that only know about the password protected one. There are so many things I want to write about, no-need to write about that have nothing to do with Dreamsicle. I have this whole other side of me that is dying to chronicle my feelings on alot of issues but they have no place on a blog about the cutest girl evah. What to do, what to do. Stay tuned

The Moving Target

This is how 90% of the pictures I take of the babe turn out. Sitting still is not her strong suit. She is so curious that whenever I point this black thing at her she needs to get very, very close and grab the lens cap...

Dreamsicle

Here she is, trying to hold the camera from the other side while I'm trying to take her picture.

She Didn't Get The Memo...

Last night was the night to turn the clocks back an hour. Dreamsicle apparently didn't read her memo. Someone got up very early (cough, cough 5:00'ish), is miss grumpy pants and will. not. go. back. to. sleep.

Today should be fun (not)

Oh-and an update on my previous post-No Rovers, Fidos or Bingos lost their life to my vehicle-it was a coyote. Still sad the incident happened but happy that their isn't a family mourning the loss of their dog...

Can I Please Start This Day Over?

Ugh. I have been getting up at 4:30 in the morning this week to start a new exercise routine. I have found that I have to go to the gym. I may have every good intention known to man, but I do not allow myself to exercise at home. I can't stop playing with Dreamsicle. What would you choose? Subjecting your body to torture or being smothered in open mouthed kisses? See what I mean? So! The procrastination had to stop-I'm hauling my butt to the gym every morning. This morning I worked out, stopped at the local gas station to get me a big ol' coffee for the drive home. As I am pouring creamer into my coffee I realize that I am actually pouring the creamer into the trash can and throwing the creamer containers into my coffee. Tired? I'll say.

Then! On my way to work a deer ran out in front of me, I missed him but hit the dog that was chasing him. Cry, cry, still crying 4.5 hours after the incident. I hit someone's beloved pet and I am so filled with guilt, anquish and anger at the owner who let their dog out to run unsupervised into the path of my car. I had to call McGyver and get him to try to find the owners of the dog to tell them the bad news. I couldn't speak and could not face a family to tell them the dreaded news even if I did find them. Poor McGyver, see why I love that man? He does all of my dirty work.


Can I please start this day over?

Cuteness

Cuteness reigns in our house! McGyver just returned from a 9 day hunting trip. Our girl didn't know whether to laugh or cry when she saw her daddy walk through the door. He has been put on restriction for the time being so that his Dreamsicle can become better adjusted before he disappears for any length of time again.

Friends Reunited

I need to start this post off with a confession. Our family had made the decision that we weren't going to get all wrapped up in our local chinese children's organization. We made this decision based on a number of different factors. One- being that it is an hour away from us, most events are held at 6:00 at night-during the week. Two-alot of the families are just...how do I say this nicely...different. McGyver and I completely understand the importance of helping Dreamsicle hold on to her heritage, but after attending a few of the local groups meetings I was a little bothered. Some of these families live for these meetings, this is their social circle. You don't fit into their lives unless you have adopted a child from China. That is fine for them, but that's not us. One of the moms that I know has called me repeatedly to set up play dates with our daughters. I agreed to the first one, thinking it would be two toddlers, having fun together. I backed out at the last minute when she told me that she had went ahead and invited 10 other little asian girls so that all of our "China dolls" could play together. Ummmm, I don't think so. In fact, Dreamsicle's day care provider has another little girl who came home from China last spring. She really doesn't care too much about her-she's attracted to the chunky little red headed boy who also attends the daycare. I want Dreamsicle to have a wide range of friends, not to make her feel as if the only kids that matter are the ones that look like her. I know that she is only 14 months but the patterns we set now are the ones we will likely follow.

BUT! I have to tell you about what happened on Wednesday. Dreamsicle had her first pediatrician visit. When we were going back into the lobby after having seen the doctor, we ran into a family whose daughter came from the same orphanage as Dreamsicle. These two girls spotted each other, Dreamsicle was in my arms and started shouting with glee-the other little girl can walk already and she made a beeline over to me. I placed Dreamsicle on the ground and these girls couldn't stop squealing-they were holding each others hands, hugging each other and were just purely happy. The joy radiating from the two of them is hard to describe. It moved me to tears. So-it looks like we will be having some playdates with this family in the future~with ground rules firmly in place before we start. I owe it to Dreamsicle to help her build this relationship for as long as she and the other little girl wish to.

My Girl

Have I told you lately how much I love my girl? She amazes me everyday. I'm back to work 4 days a week and she is doing well in day care. When I walk through the door to pick her up, her whole face lights up, she does a little happy dance (she dances as much as she can for a girl who doesn't walk by herself yet) and bursts into giggles. I tear up every day when I see her. She has so much love and joy radiating from her little 15+ pound body that it is hard not to smile when you are around her. One of my cousins described her as having a spirit that fills up a room. That is so true. Her birth parents must have been a couple of happy people because this girl sure is! She wakes up smiling~oh to be able to do that.

I was asked how it feels to be an "older parent" recently. I have to say that my boys probably would have been alot better off if McGyver and I would have waited to have them. This older parenting gig is great. We are both so much more patient with her than we were with the boys. I realize that every decision I make for her is not life and death, I can make mistakes and she will still probably turn out okay. I spent so many years when the boys were small anguishing over little details that really didn't matter. I couldn't process that my deciding to feed them bologna and cheese sandwiches for lunch two days in a row would not damage their psyche. Dreamsicle is benefiting from our age that is for sure. Neither one of us looks extremely old so I don't think she will be embarrassed that her parents will be in their sixties when she graduates high school. Who knows, maybe she'll even still like us then.

Hi-Ho,Hi-Ho It's Off To Work I Go...

This week I entered the workforce three days a week. Doesn't seem like much since I have been making it in to the office whenever necessary for meetings since we returned from China. But it is different. Today Dreamsicle attended daycare for the first time. She had a great time. McGyver took her and I picked her up. She punishes me whenever I have left her for a period of time. She will not look at me for about 15 minutes-she wants me to carry her, hold her close, speak to her-but she will not respond. After about 15 minutes she warms up, believes me when I tell her we are together for the rest of the day and becomes her normal, happy self. This girl is going to rock my world.

Move Along, We Are A Family, Not A Freakshow

Ahh, it has started already. I thought I had read enough blogs to be prepared for this part of our lives. The "people are idiots, pay no attention to them or what they say" part. But I can't. It started two weekends ago when we went out to breakfast with the girls before the wedding. A woman I do not know approached our table to tell me how she had been admiring Dreamsicle for 10 minutes. She then proceeded to tell me that she adopted her daughter from Korea 19 years ago. That would have been a sufficient conversation. But noooooooooo, she has to continue to tell me that her best friends adopted from China at the same time that they adopted from Korea. She said that when her friends stepped off the plane they were sobbing because they had been given an opportunity "to save another girls life" if they could have afforded to pay for another baby and that since they didn't, that "batch" of girls would be killed that day. Excuse me, but WTH???? I was speechless. As luck would have it, my Mom and I ran into this same lady at a store a few hours later where she proceeded to tell the person she was with the "kill the babies" story.

This evening Dreamsicle and I were in our local grocery store. I saw a woman from my church who hurried over to meet my daughter. She asked me how the baby liked her brothers and her Daddy. I told her that she loved her Daddy with a fierce baby passion and thought her brothers were super cool. She then told me that was because everyone knows that the orphan babies never get male attention so they move them from orphanage to orphanage trying to get them ready to see men since if they weren't adopted they would become prostitutes.

My oldest son had some issues while he was growing up. I was his biggest champion and defender. If someone would have made uneducated comments about his condition, I would have been right there to correct that person, to defend my son and to make sure he knew that he could count on me. These two instances left me speechless. And I am so ashamed of myself for not speaking up. I'm thankful that Dreamsicle is still too young to understand what either of these two women were talking about but boy do I have to load my arsenal and get ready for battle.

My Feeble Attempt At Packing Tips

I wanted to post this while it was still fresh enough in my mind to be of use to anyone. Take it with a grain of salt but this is what worked for us...

1. Make sure that you bring toilet paper/kleenex and have them accessible the moment you touch ground in China. I wasn't prepared for the airports to be in the shape they were and had packed my toilet paper away thinking I wouldn't need it before we started touring Nanchang. The "4 star toilet" in the Forbidden City is a squatty potty and you will need it, trust me.

2. I way overpacked in the clothing dept. People say to pack light, do it. We could have easily gotten away with 5 outfits each. Laundry is available and affordable everywhere.

3. Two pair of shoes. I packed a pair of sandals and a pair of Keen's. Both worked out extremely well.

4. Bring two blankets for your baby. A small one to travel with and a larger one for the crib.

5. Make sure you bring extra batteries, battery chargers, converters for your laptop/digital camera/video camera.

6. Try to remember to bring food for your baby on Metcha Day. Our daughter had been traveling all day and was pretty hungry when we received her, I was glad I had food to offer her right then rather than having to wait until we got back to the hotel.

7. If you travel in the summer, don't leave the hotel without a bottle of water. There were times when water wasn't readily available right away and it is HOT!

8. We didn't bring a thermos and honestly never wished that we had one.

9. I went way overboard on the ziplocks. We didn't use 1/3 of the ziplocks that I packed.

10. Scented trash bags for smelly diapers. These were invaluable.

11. Snacks. We lived off of ours.

12. At least one toy that makes noise. Plastic keys were the ticket for getting Dreamsicle to open up. All of the soft lovey types of things I brought never got touched.

13. A container to put your formula in once it is open. The formula you will receive with your baby is in a bag, you really need something airtight to hold it once it has been opened.

14. Leave the duct tape at home. McGyver would probably faint if he read that.

15. We brought wayyyyyyyy to many meds with us. I brought medication for children and adults to combat every illness known to man and ended up being able to help alot of other families out but spent way too much money and used up wayyyyy to much space transporting everything. I would strongly suggest that you bring antibiotics but the scabies medicine, lice medicine, etc wasn't worth packing. No one in our large travel group had the need to use these medicines either.

16. Your sense of humor and patience. We had the good fortune to have a great guide who took awesome care of us. She kept telling our group how much she loved us because we all joked with her, expected delays and knew mistakes would happen. Going in with a good attitude helped tremendously. We watched other travel groups have meltdowns over little things and I think they all just allowed themselves to get wound too tight. Laugh. It's one of the happiest trips you will ever take.

I am weepy today

Dreamsicle is experiencing her first illness since we have become a family. She is running a fever, throwing up-you name it she's got it coming out of every orifice of her body. She has wanted to be held for hours (this is the first time I have put her down in 6 hours) and just can't get comfortable. While cuddling and soothing her I started to have thoughts of her life in the orphanage. When she was sick, was she picked up and comforted? She has only wanted me and cries out "mama,mama,mama". Although on a certain level it makes me feel good that we are attaching to the point that she is seeking me out for comfort, it makes me wonder who she called out to for the first 12 months of her life. During the wait I pushed alot of the "what if" scenarios to the back of my head. I had to or it would have driven me crazy. Now that she is with us, I am finally allowing myself to play those scenes out in my head. It's not a pretty place to be (inside my head, right now, that is). I know she was well taken care of. Every picture we have of her from the camera we sent shows that she was probably cared for by the same ayi most of the time. But when that little sweetie looks me in the eyes, strokes my cheek and calls my name because she wants me to do something to make her feel better, I find myself falling apart inside. I'm not even sure why. She's here now, she's loved and well taken care of. I think I'm just starting to grieve for her and what she has endured and maybe, what she has lost.

Picture Posting Delay

I cannot get my pictures to post to blogger for some reason-sorry! I'll keep trying over the weekend. We survived the wedding last weekend. Dreamsicle insisted on being out on the dance floor all night long. She still can't walk by herself but she was shaking her groove thing holding onto mama's hands every time a fast song came on. I have had to go to work three days this week due to high level meetings. She punishes me when I walk through the door by refusing to look at me for a good 2-3 minutes when I first arrive. After that, she can't contain her smile anymore and starts giggling, moving her arms and legs wildly and wants me to hold her. I'm glad I have the next 5 days to be with her because her snubbing me breaks my heart. I don't know what I'm going to do when she actually has to start going to daycare! While I was gone her daddy, X*Boy and Pixie all took turns watching her. None of them got her to take a nap, she would let out one cry of protest when they layed her down and one of them would immediately run in to her room and pick her up. Needless to say, dinner has been difficult as she is almost falling asleep in her food, but bedtime has been extremely easy since she is completely exhausted. She will be heading to New Orleans with me next month for a show. My mom will be accompanying me to help watch her while I work. I'm curious to see how she does on the plane this time. I hope that she will turn out to be a good traveler since she will be doing so much of it. I signed her up for her own frequent flyer number-might as well start racking up points for her now. :)

Week 1 update

It is hard to believe that we have been home for a week already. Dreamsicle is adjusting so well that it seems as if we have been a family for much longer. Over the course of this week she has learned to sit up by herself, blow kisses, and to feel secure enough to touch our dog.

She eats whatever we put in front of her except grilled cheese or mac and cheese. She had her first ice cream sundae last night and LOVED it.

She sleeps through the night.

She tolerates her car seat well for an hour, after that she wants out!

She still adores her father-when he is in the room she only has eyes for him.

I promise I'll post pic's this week.

Our Hotel in NanChang

I thought our hotel in NanChang deserved its own post. What an experience that was. If you followed our journey on the babyjellybeans site then you have seen pictures of the neighborhood of the hotel. It was in the "low rent district" if you will. You could safely walk about two blocks in each direction from our hotel before you really felt as if you were taking your life into your own hands. When Pizza Hut tells you that they won't deliver to your hotel you know there is a problem. This led to countless hours of boredom in the hotel. Ahhh, the hotel. When we found out the name of the hotel we were staying at I immediately looked it up on the internet. It stated that there were 17 restaurants in this hotel. I was pretty stoked thinking that we would have many choices in food, so I was geeked. So not true. The truth was lost in translation. They have 17 meeting rooms and one restaurant. ONE restaurant. Oh, and a bar-that serves the exact same thing as the ONE restaurant. The breakfast buffet was included in the cost of the hotel room so everyone would head down to the buffet every morning. The selections never changed. McGyver had to teach the chef how to make scrambled eggs. It was the wierdest thing-they had a chef ready to prepare eggs over easy or sunny side up but would not cook an omelette and had no clue what a scrambled egg was. So through sign language and the help of one of the waitresses he was finally successful in getting our request for "egg for baby" known. The poor guy-once the other families saw that Dreamsicle was getting scrambled eggs, his whole job became making "eggs for baby" each morning. After 7 days of "deep fried spaghetti with onions", rice congee and a whole table full of things that still had legs and heads, I was ready to eat the bedspread in our hotel room rather than tackle the breakfast buffet again. The hotel was undergoing construction during the entire time of our stay. It didn't matter whether it was day or night, you could count on hearing drilling, hammering, etc. Not so great for getting babies to sleep but hey-maybe they were constructing another restaurant!
One night the doorbell to our room started ringing-and ringing and ringing and ringing. I was delirious since I had been soundly sleeping for four hours already. I jumped up and I was trying to process what could possibly be the reason for the incessant ringing doorbell and could only come up with the scenario that maybe there was a fire and the hotel staff was trying to wake people up. I immediatly run to the door, throw open the door without looking through the peephole (yes, I know better than this-I swear) and came face to face with a prostitute! That's right-standing before me, not speaking a lick of English but pointing to her hootchie was a hooker. The poor thing, all I could do was laugh as I shut the door in her face. If she thought she was going to score on our floor, she was sorely mistaken as the entire floor was adopting, sleep deprived parents.

Our travel group consisted of 7 families. 3 of the guys were pretty big guys. Whenever we were going to head out anywhere, our guide would have us meet in the hotel lobby-which was located on the 2nd floor of the hotel then we would have to take the elevator to the first floor to venture outside. One of the first days we were at the hotel found the 3 big guys and their wives all on the same elevator at the same time. When the doors shut, the elevator started jerking-heading up a floor then back down, then suddenly dropped. We were over the weight limit for the elevator! Needless to say, that was traumatic enough for the wives and babies that those three families made a point of never sharing an elevator after that.

NanChang itself was a very interesting city and I would have liked to have been able to experience more of it, had we felt safer we probably would have.

Brushing My Teeth

It is funny, these little things that we take for granted in life. Things like being able to turn on a faucet and get clean, fresh water. Water suitable for drinking and brushing your teeth. While in China you are keenly aware of the fact that the water is not suitable for human consumption. Unless you boil it, you are not to drink it. Ever. This lead to having to go into camping survival mode for two weeks. Each morning and night we had to run our toothbrushes under a stream of bottled water to get them wet, then brush our teeth and rinse our mouths and toothbrushes from the bottled water again. When we arrived home, I think I brushed my teeth twelve times just because I wanted to be able to see the water run out of the tap and know that I could drink it, brush my teeth, shower-whatever-without fear of illness. It makes me so sad when I think about the quality of the air and water in China. I am so thankful that I live where I live.

In Koli news...She went to sleep at 7:30 last night, woke up at 11:00. I rocked her for an hour then she went back down and slept until 8:00 this morning. She is now down for her morning nap. She does so many things that capture my heart. Yesterday I was eating a sourdough donut and gave her a bite. She literally let out a high pitch squeal of delight and moaned as she savored the flavor. She really is her mother's daughter.

We Are Home!

Words cannot adequately describe the past two weeks of our lives. We received Dreamsicle and she is just that- a dream. She is a smiley, giggly girl who loves to cuddle and has the best baby sense of humor I have ever seen! She is attaching equally well to both McGyver and I. When we returned home she met X*Boy, U*Haul and Pixie. She loves her big brothers and will go to them willingly but also reaches for her mama and daddy when she is ready to be comforted. Our trip could not have gone better as far as our baby goes. She is healthy, happy and transitioning nicely. I'll post a different post chronicling our hotel stay in NanChang-that is worthy of it own post to say the least. All of my pictures are on my laptop so I have to do some work in order to transfer them over to my PC-I'll post some pics of the Princess of the Universe later. By the way-when we met her orphanage director he told us that her nickname in the orphanage was Princess.

Of course it was....

Password Protecting

I have decided to move the travel section of this blog to a different address. I have quite a few people in real life that want to follow this journey and don't really care to have them read this blog. So for the travel piece I'm moving but will be back here after we return home.

If you would like to follow our journey, please email me and let me know why you want the password (adoptive parent, friend, family member) and I will give you the address and password at that time. In the subject line of your email please put PASSWORD so that I know I need to respond to you.

Thanks!

The Misadventures of Lingerie

I'm thinking about renaming this blog Inside Out Underwear. Bet that would get some people's attention. New readers would think the name came from having an almost toddler running around but you all would know the truth.

I bought some new "pretty lingerie" the other day. Woke up late and threw some new underwear on. Got to work, used the restroom and realized that not only was I wearing my new delicates inside out, but backwards as well. Did I fix them? Heck no! I called McGyver and made fun of myself. At the end of the conversation he begged me not to try to fix them. When I asked him why, this is what he said: Your work restroom has alot of stalls, I can just see you peeling them off, turning them the right side in, sticking your leg through the hole and getting your foot stuck. You know what would happen? You would start hopping around, hit the door, the door would pop open and there you'd be. Please just live with it until you get home, okay?

Yesterday I wore the same unmentionables (on the right way this time) and was conducting an interview only to have the strap of the camisole break. In half. During the interview. I spent the rest of the interview with my arm propped up against my chin to hold the fabric up.

I think I'll leave this set at home.

The kindness of others

Through out this journey I have been blessed so many times by the kindness of others. The generosity of those that I know well, and barely know at all has overwhelmed me at times. Today was one of those times. My cell phone rang and it was the manager of the cell phone store that we have our plan through. He told me that he had been thinking about us and knew we were going to be leaving for China soon. He is giving us an international phone! to use our entire trip! for free! He knows that the guys are staying back in the mitten state and the business needs to remain up and running and the Marine needs to be kept informed and then there are the grandparents to think about, and then, and then....I am completely speechless.

Sooooo,want to know our itinerary?

Here it is:

Leave US- August 25
Arrive Beijing- August 26
Tour Beijing- August 27
Fly to Jiangxi-August 28
Meet Dreamsicle-August 29
Love on Dreamsicle-August 30-Sept 3
Fly to Guanzhou-Sept 4
Consulate Appointment-Sept 6
Fly home-Sept 8

I have no idea how I am even going to be able to function next week or the week after.

Trip Dates!

First the good news: I have just been notified of our travel dates (now complete with CA!)
Now the bad news: We leave a week and a day later than originally expected

But! I now know when I will really have Dreamsicle in my arms. August 29th. August 29th! Wheeeeee!!!!

We leave on August 25th (McGyver's birthday) and will be returning on Sept 8th (my birthday). Somehow that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Soon, baby, soon.

Happiness Abounds

I'm still flying high on the knowledge that our TA finally arrived. This morning I went into Dreamsicle's room, dumped everything out of the backpack that we have had packed for the last 3 months, and decided that we simply did not have enough stuff. Must have more stuff. Important things like More! Diaper! rash! ointment! So to the store I went. I was like a crazy woman. I'm sure it wasn't my imagination that other shoppers were giving me a wide berth as I happily scooped up lice remedies and cortisone cream.
Mcgyver mentioned something about sleeping in the 5th wheel until we leave if last night was a prelude to what he has to look forward to until then. I would randomnly wake up during the night, pull him over so that he was facing me and loudly ask him if he was sleeping. If I didn't receive a response I would simply open his eye with my finger then act surprised that he was awake too. At that time my giggle fest would take place and I would ask him for the 675th gazillion time if he could believe that we were actually going to be going to China! to pick up our daughter! In two weeks! With lots of stuff!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

TA's came today! Our tentative schedule is August 17-28. I am so happy.

Still No TA Info

'Nuff said

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Our Dreamsicle turns one today. This morning I woke up in a very sad mood. Missing this milestone was weighing heavily on me. I got to work this morning and was greeted by such a wonderful surprise that it lifted my spirits. The people I work with had decorated my office door, ordered a special birthday cake for Dreamsicle and also given me a "slice" of cake to eat-complete with one candle on it in honor of her birthday!

I am so blessed to work with people with such amazing spirits. Birthday wishes have been flowing across my email all morning. I'm printing them all and will assemble them for her viewing pleasure when she gets older.

I have been staring at her picture all morning, reminding myself that we will be together soon. Not in time to celebrate this birthday, but every birthday to come, we will at last be, a family.

No Sunshine and Light Today

Nope, none. Only thunderclouds rolling around in my head. Where are the TA's for our agency? People using smallish agencies have received their TA's already, some leaving as early as next week. Next week. And here I sit, still waiting and wondering when we will be notified. Dreamsicle turns one tomorrow. 12 months. And I have No. idea. when. we. will. meet. her.

Heartbroken=me.

Still No News

It is 10:50 am and the message boards are eerily quiet. No one has posted a referral yet and there has been no acknowledgement of TA's being given. Come on TA's!

Gifts A Plenty-Gifts Galore!

This past weekend we went camping. The last weekend in July is always reserved for our annual family reunion camping trip. This trip was extra special since my family threw us a baby shower too! Dreamsicle will no doubt be the best dressed baby in our entire county thanks to the generosity of my family. Such cute clothes! My aunt knitted or crocheted (not sure which technique was involved since I'm really knitty/crochete-y challenged) Dreamsicle a beautiful pink blanket which I will cherish forever. She received jeans, shorts, shirts, everything a little girl needs to be styling for the next year. A little frog covered head visor (perfect to take to China!), Books and fingerpuppets and a sweet teeny tiny gold ring. Oh yeah-that's right-my girl received her first piece of jewelry. She even received her very own princess camping chair! My family is so dog-gone creative that even the gift bags were unique and special. Between quilt square wishes and hand written notes inside gift cards I was a blubbering fool for a good 5 minutes. I'm so lucky to be able to bring Dreamsicle into a family that is so filled with love and encouragement for each other. It really is amazing.

Still no word on TA's but I'm hoping we hear something tomorrow.

No News Yet

Sung to the tune of Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone:

Oh where oh where is my baby's TA?
Oh where oh where can it be?
There has been no news yet and I'm
outta my mind
I'm ready to meet my babyyyy.

Losing my mind folks-losing my mind.

BUT! in other news I have finally found the elusive stacking cups! Yeah!

Happy/Sad

First let me preface this post by saying Congratulations! to all of the families that will be receiving their referrals within the next two days. I am seriously overjoyed for you. When you see the picture of your baby for the first time, well, the feeling is hard to put into words.

Having said that....

When are TA's going to be sent???? The usual order is one group of people will receive their referrals (like we did in June) then 3-4 weeks later they receive their TA's (travel approvals). This event usually alerts the next groups of individuals waiting for referrals that they will receive their babies information, or referrals shortly thereafter.

That did not happen this time.

We received our referral and have been (ahem) patiently waiting for our TA -only to be notified that the next batch of referrals is being sent. What The Heck? Where is our TA? My poor group has been the group with many firsts (not any of them being good firsts) I feel like I need to do a huge public service announcement regarding my apologies to all of the other families who received referrals with me because this is the kind of thing that happens to the McGyver family all of the time. My patience is gone now people. Where is my TA? I just want to get my daughter, is that too much to ask?

Engaged!

Chester made a surprise visit home this weekend. His brothers picked him up from the airport early Monday morning, we sequestered him safely inside the house all day yesterday. Last night we concocted a diabolical plan to get Princess to "meet" me at a local park. When she arrived at the park, she saw my vehicle but it sure wasn't me that got out of the driver seat. Chester proposed, she accepted and wedding plans are already in full swing. The big event won't be until May of 2008 but she is a planner, that Princess of ours.

We couldn't be happier. We adore her and she just seems to "fit" into our family naturally.

Don't worry family-I'm going to have them stop by the family reunion this weekend for a big ol' lovefest.

Oh happy day!

Nesting

There is some serious nesting going on around the Casa de McGyver. Every sheet, blanket, and washcloth (yes, all 22 washcloths) have been washed, dryed and put away. McGyver assembled the highchair yesterday. I have Dreamsicle's clothing choices in a pile to pack for the trip. My backpack is filled with all of the 750 gazillion things that MUST! NOT! BE! FORGOTTEN! to take with us by way of medications, lotions, potions and other assorted sundry.

I'm getting the nervous butterflies beating against my stomach again. We're getting close-I can feel it.

For those of you that have BTDT-may I please ask for a word of advice? Dreamsicle weighed in at 13.5 pounds when she had her check up in April. I'm guessing that she's not going to weigh over 20 pounds when we get her so I'm packing clothing that fits up to 20 pounds. My question is in the diaper dept. Should I take 2's or 3's? I know that I can purchase diapers once we get over there but have heard their not as absorbent so I want to bring some with me. What size would you all recommend? And on a side note-where in the heck did everyone find stacking cups? I cannot find a set of stacking cups to save my life. I've looked at Walmart, Meijer, and Target and have not been successful. Any other ideas? For toys I have a crinkle book, a hard page book, a small plush toy and a set of keys, any other must brings?

I want to come home!

Anxiety

I am beginning to experience anxiety while waiting for our Travel Approval. The CCAA has finally decided to move and different agencies are reporting different things. Our agency is stating that this move has been well planned and should not cause any delays but there are other agencies saying just the opposite. As much as I want to believe my agency, with all that we have been through already I'm inclined to think that we will get caught in the middle of this. I simply cannot bear the thought of having to wait until sometime in September to meet Dreamsicle.

I have been watching the national news and seeing the flooding that is taking place in China right now makes me anxious as well. I keep thinking of all of my blogging buddies who have just received their referrals and their babies are in orphanages in the affected areas. If you are so inclined, please keep them in your prayers that the people of that region remain safe.

I'm anxious about what to do regarding our plane tickets. Do I go ahead and bite the bullet and pay large sums of money to purchase the adoption rate tickets now or do I gamble and see what I can come up with once we know for sure when we will be traveling? With the price of fuel being what it is right now, I'm up in the air on this one (geesh, no pun intended I swear).

I need to let the people know who have emailed me with their anxiety over their take on my feelings about receiving our daughter that I really don't have blinders on. I may write on my blog all sunshine and light types of posts but in real life McGyver and I are fully prepared to deal with any issues that Dreamsicle may have. We know what the risks are and will love this lil' darlin' no matter what. We've overcome other challenges with our children and both of us know that the road may be all uphill for awhile. But when you get to the top of the hill-the view is spectacular.

Weekend Update

McGyver and I spent the weekend up north. We have a 5th wheel that we normally camp in (McGyver likes to tease me that I don't "camp", I "RV") but because our weekend plans involved water he talked me into staying in his hunting camper. The camper slides into the back of his truck which allowed us to pull the floating playpen behind the truck. After getting over the initial insult of my insisting I had to clean the camper before I would stay in it, we headed north. Late Friday night we arrived at the cabin of our friends. We stayed in the camper that night, then got up early Saturday morning for our water adventure. We are life long residents of our fine mitten shaped state but shamefully had never been to this particular body of water. When we arrived at the lake I was in shock. The water was so clear that you could see the bottom, even in 10 feet of water you could still see the bottom. I was so mesmerized by the fact that I could see the bottom that I kept begging McGyver to jump in the water just so I could watch him go under and still see his body as he touched bottom and came back up. There were 5 families that made the trek up north with us and we spent the day boating, grilling and socializing. In the evening we actually docked the boats and were able to walk into town and have an adult beverage while the kids went for ice cream. What a fantabulous time we had. We came home today but we will definately be making another trek up there this summer.

On the Dreamsicle front~we have another picture of our angel baby. A woman from the NanKang message board had donated some items to the orphanage. As a thank you they sent her a picture with 9 babies in front of the donated items. She generously posted the picture knowing that 4 families had received referrals from this orphanage this time and thought we might like to see the photo. I opened the picture and there she was! On the far end, leaning like a drunken sailor onto a walker that had another baby in it. She is about one month older in this picture than she appears in our referral photos. She still has a receding hairline but seems to have more hair where she sports hair. The look on her face is hard to describe. She doesn't look sad, she's not smiling-but she seems...serene/content. I love this picture so much. She still looks like a tiny little munchkin but she is just like a bag full of eye candy to McGyver and me. We hope to receive travel approval sometime within the next week (crossing fingers and toes on this one) so be ready for an out of control mom- to- be once I receive word of the date that we will actually be traveling to pick up our bundle of sweetness.

Shower

Today has been a great day. I have no idea how the 60+ people that I work with pulled it off but they managed to throw me a surprise baby shower. A Surprise baby shower. Dudes-I am the one that checks our company email-I'm still shaking my head in disbelief that 60 people could keep such a huge secret from me. The gifts-oh the gifts! Dreamsicle is the proud owner of three onesie's that are custom made-the first one reads-My big brother drives a dump truck and has the name of our construction company on it. The second one reads-My big brother is a Marine and has the Marine Corps eagle, globe and anchor symbol on it. The third one reads-My big brother is a Flying Dutchman and has his college logo on it. She now owns a hand made quilt-it is knitted-the cool thing about this is that each square was knitted by a different person that I work with. I am so touched. She also has a hand made quilt from one of the ladies that custom makes a baby blanket for every baby here. So many, many goodies (and her high chair-yeah!). I am literally going to have to back my vehicle up to the front door to haul my stash out of here.

Random Ramblings

This weekend was a good one. Spent alot of time on the floating playpen, hanging out with friends. We watched the fireworks from the boat again this year, there were some really cool ones. Each time one of the more spectacular ones would appear I would whisper into McGyver's ear, think about next year.

I had a t-shirt made with one of her pictures on it (the one with the grapes of course). It was easier to have people stare at my chest than worry about bringing her photos out onto the water and run the risk of getting them wet. This is the one weekend of the year that we virtually run into everyone that we know so believe me when I tell you that my way was much more efficient than hauling out the trifold picture frame.

It's amazing how much stress has been released from my body since we received our referral. I had no idea how much it was affecting me until I had a chance to unwind this weekend. No stomach pains, no reflux, no insomnia. I'm telling you-stress released.

We have decided to send a care package to Dreamsicle. We will be including, among other things, a small photo album with McGyver, myself and the boys. One person per page. This has become quite the project. Every picture I find of myself I'm not happy with. I don't want to scare the poor baby, or freak out her caretakers so I think we will be taking some new photos today. Bad hair and weight gain over the past twelve months has not made for a cute mama. We are also sending her a blanket. We started sleeping with it last night. I fell asleep holding the blanket and realized in the middle of the night that the blanket I chose was rather warm. This resulted in making me start to sweat. In my sleepy half delirious consciousness I made the connection that sweaty mom was probably not the scent I wanted to send to my daughter so I threw the blanket off of the bed. Maybe we will each just hold it for awhile as we watch tv.

They call her Angel baby

I had someone from our local area translate Dreamsicle's documents that we received that were written in Chinese. Her story is hers to tell but suffice it to say that I shed many tears over her circumstances and that of her mother and father. In her documents, her orphanage director refers to her over and over again as an angel baby. He writes that when she smiles everyone in the room smiles too because she looks just like an angel. We already knew that she was Heaven sent, this just confirms it.

Walking On Sunshine

I can't seem to get this silly grin off of my face. I have Dreamsicle's pictures framed and placed everywhere-on my desk at work, at home, in the car...on the floating playplen, you get the idea. I received my Fed EX package of all her material today. In the package are the originals of the photos. The picture of her sitting in the chair with grapes covering up her "business" is hysterical. The scanned image cut off the bottom of that photo. If you look closely at the picture of her in the walker-her feet are not in the shoes, there are strange bumps in her pants that I believe are her real feet. They placed these same red shoes where her feet should be in the grapes picture as well. Her outfit was so large that her legs must not have stuck out of the bottom of her pants so someone cared enough to complete her ensemble. I find this strangely comforting. Her face is seared into my memory. Oh how I can't wait to see my babe smile.

She is a tiny little girl, much smaller than I was expecting. I have done some serious shopping but only minimally in the size that she will need. Today at lunch I changed that. I work close to a mall. In and out in 20 minutes with 5 outfits~including socks, and a gorgeous little sun hat. Approximately 6 weeks before we travel leaves me plenty of time to give my girl plenty of clothing choices. After all, has anyone ever heard of a girl with too many clothes?

I'm walking on sunshine.

She's Here and I am in LOVE!!

Defining Moments

There are moments in everyone's life that stay with them forever. Things happen that touch you so deeply that you remember where you were and exactly what you were doing at the time of the occurrence. Today is one of those days.

Today at 3:15 pm on Monday June 26th, 2006, we received our referral for our daughter. I was sitting in my office when my cell phone rang. I heard someone introduce themself from our adoption agency and had one of my friends start videotaping the call. I have not received her photos yet but I am already in love.

Her name is Liu Kang Ge
Her birthday is August 2, 2005 (10 months!)
She weighs 13.5 pounds
She is 26 inches tall
She is currently residing in the NanKang orphanage in the Jiangxi Province

She is a deep sleeper
She holds her head up
Grabs for toys
Tracks
Recognizes the difference between strangers and caretakers
She laughs out loud
She is quiet-Ha! Poor thing has no idea the family she is joining.

This was my defining moment....

UPDATE!!

We just received an email from our agency stating that the referrals are on the truck to be delivered today!!! Happy Day!!

Hopes Dashed

I just checked in on another blogger who has the same LID and is using the same adoption agency as we are. She has been stalking er, tracking our DHL package. She called DHL this morning and was told that our package is not scheduled to arrive in Texas until tomorrow.

I think I'm going to be sick.

**Warning** Emotional Basket Case

I am an emotional basket case right now. I find myself giggling for no reason, only to have the laughter change to tears in 2.5 seconds. For no reason at all.

I am anxious, nervous, excited, giddy, wired~beyond belief. I can't wait to see her face, find out how old she is, where she is currently living.

So here's the deal...

Our adoption agency expects to receive our referrals by 1:00 pm Texas time. That means 2:00 pm our time. So don't look for an update until late afternoon tomorrow. I'm fairly certain that some of you may know to check back here because you will hear me screaming with joy when that call finally comes.

One more day!!

COME ON TIME.....FLY!!!!!!

Can this weekend possibly move any slower? McGyver and X*Boy are up North fishing, Chester is now in California on base at Twenty Nine Palms, and U*Haul and Pixie are at Pixie's graduation open house. I have one more open house to make today but I'm kind of procrastinating. I'm hoping if I draw things out it will help me make it through the rest of the day. What in the world am I going to do with myself all day tomorrow?

My Life's Dream

When I was a little girl, I would imagine what it would be like to marry my Prince Charming, raise a family and live happily ever after. My dream family always consisted of 4 kids-two boys and two girls. The boys would be the oldest so that they would always be able to protect their younger sisters. In real life my Prince Charming is more like McGyver and we ride around in a white Chevy truck instead of riding on a white horse. In the happily ever after department, we have seen our share of sorrows ( losing our son), had our share of hard times (being so broke I did the laundry in the bathtub) but have been blessed beyond words with the birth of each of our boys.

It has taken us so long to get here. So long to fulfill our dream. The family dynamics are a little different than I imagined all of those years ago. Dreamsicle will have three big brothers to protect her instead of two. She will be the only girl. You know what? On the eve of receiving our referral, I can't imagine my family any other way.

Come On Referrals!

I am jumping out of my skin waiting for the infamous "Stork Alert" from our agency. They issue a "Stork Alert" when they have been notified that the referrals have been mailed. It looks like families with LID's through June 28th will be receiving the information on their babies at some point in the not so distance (please, please, make it be the not so distant) future. Soon. Just not soon enough. I am so ready to see her face. Last night before we went to bed I made McGyver go into Dreamsicle's room with me. I was just so excited, talking a mile a minute, asking him if he could imagine our daughter in her room. You know what he told me? He told me that he had spent time in her room that morning, by himself, imagining that very same thing. Awww, I love that man.

In the latest Klutz update...I have bought several new outfits for my upcoming travel. One of those outfits consists of a breezy, scrunchy type skirt that I wore to work on Monday. Mondays are our staff meeting day. I was running a little behind schedule so I scooted into the conference room where most of the staff was already assembled. In my haste I started speaking to the staff while closing the door. My skirt got caught in the door and stopped me dead in my tracks. After I gathered my wits and allowed the laughter to die down I proceeded to make my way to the front of the room. I tend to be very animated when I speak, often using my hands to make a point. So the sassy little bead bracelet that was on my wrist decided to take flight during the meeting. Luckily the girl sitting closest to me was paying attention and was able to duck before the bracelet caused her any bodily harm.

Come On Referrals!!!!!

I've Lost My Sanity

I can't sit still, I'm holding conversations with myself, I'm having palpitations. Concentration? HA! What concentration. Over rated anyway. Two weeks. (maybe 3) Two weeks until I stare into the eyes of my daughter. I am bursting, BURSTING with anticipation. For the person that is used to opening all of her Christmas presents up and then rewrapping them just because she couldn't stand the suspense, this last two weeks is going to be torture.

Speaking of torture-today is refingerprinting day for the McGyver family. Please help us get in and out of there quickly.

Good Times

This weekend flew by-thank goodness we had an extra day added to the weekend. There was just too much fun to be had to fit into two days. U*Haul and Pixie had their open houses this weekend. Graduation was a teary event for me as I watched my baby boy receive his diploma. It was great to watch him greet everyone that came to his party as they arrived. I was so proud of the way he handled himself, making sure he stopped and thanked everyone for coming. It was so nice to see our family and friends. One of my cousins has a son who weighs 21 pounds so I grabbed the baby carrier I have decided on using and did a "test carry". The carrier was comfortable to wear and the babe looked downright snugglish in it. We then moved on to the stroller and he seemed to enjoy himself in there as well. I love spending time with my extended family. They are so much fun. And good sports. I drug everyone of them upstairs to see Dreamsicle's room. So anyway, the party went off without a hitch, people stayed until the wee hours of the morning but I caught some shut eye then popped up a little while later ready to go.

It was time.

Time for the maiden voyage of the new and improved floating playpen. We launched in the morning and did not come off of the water until dusk. We are friends with a couple that have a pontoon as old as ours and they completely redid their boat this year as well. We spent the day with them out on the water. McGyver and this guy started threatening another one of our friends at the party on Saturday that they were going to "pimp his boat" since he has an old pontoon and hasn't done anything to it yet. Monday came and we took the boat out again. We ended up with five families meeting up on the water. It was so nice to relax and visit. We eat very good while boating since we have the permanently attached grills on the pontoons. I think I stuffed my face with more food (ribs! chicken! corn on the cob!) in those two days than I did in the whole week before that.

Yesterday morning I hopped on a plane and will be out of town until Sunday. I'm down south so it is hot but very bummed that their pool is inside. What's up with that? Up in the frozen tundra where I live the majority of hotels have outside pools. Here, where it is warm more months than not, the hotels have pools inside. Hmmm, go figure.

This week brings me another week closer to seeing Dreamsicle's face. Come on June-hurry up and fly by!

Not this time

I know, I know, I wasn't going to post anything adoption related until next week. I lied. It's official. Referrals are going through June 15th. I'm okay with that. Barring some crazy thing happening, we should be next. I just read that last line and laughed. This whole adoption wait has been a crazy thing so who am I kidding? June will be our month. Finally. Four weeks people, four weeks! I told McGyver last night that if we get our referral the last week of June we can pretend that the fireworks being shot off on the fourth of July are in celebration of our referral. What fun we will have on the floating playpen with the other members of the Redneck Yachtclub celebrating our baby's referral. Four weeks. Okay maybe five. The end is near. In a good way. I'm positively giddy. And. I. Have. Four. Weeks.To.Go. or maybe five.

My mission at some point this weekend is to upload all of the pictures (correctly sized I might add) from Dreamsicle's room and the floating playpen in all of it's new found Safety Red glory. And pictures of U*Haul and Pixie's graduation and open house-yippee! Four weeks (or five)!

I have to start posting more pictures

Alright, I know I'm dealing with some serious sizing issues with the pictures posted below. I had better get busy posting pictures so that I can figure out how to do this correctly before we go to China, don't you think?

Dreamsicle's Mirror

Dreamsicle's Grandmothers rocker, my dresser (repainted) and her crib

Hawaiian Surfer Frog Chick II

Hawaiian Surfer Frog Chick

Not This Time

It's looking as if I should have been running down the road of denial instead of skipping. Those pesky rumors seem to be picking up speed and it looks like we won't be receiving our referral this time. Spain is reporting that referrals will go through June 15th. You know what? I'm okay with that. As long as they make it through June 15th I can hang on for another 30 days. I keep telling myself that four weeks after referrals go out this time it will finally be our turn. Four weeks. Not a lifetime, just. four. weeks. I really have been living deep in the land of denial though. I was so convinced that June 20th would be included in this round of referrals that I actually sent an email to another blogger with the same LID as me telling her to hang on because we were so close I could almost hear our babies giggles (blush) sheesh, did I really say that? The wait? It is getting to me.
This week U*Haul and Pixie graduate from high school and their open house is next Saturday. I will post pictures of Dreamsicle's finished room sometime this weekend but then for the next week I am focusing on my baby boy and his girlfriend. I owe this time to them so at their open house I'm wearing my "don't ask" button. Not because it is too painful to talk about the adoption but because they deserve that day to be about them.

Skipping Down The Road of Denial

The rumors have started. Initially the rumors were good. Everyone was on board-referrals would go out for at least those families with LID's from June 7th-June 20th. The rumors have begun to darken. Referrals will only be given for 5 days worth of LIDS per month from now until eternity. That, my friends, is not going to happen. Nope, nope, nope. Not believing it. I have my hands covering my ears as I hum, loudly I might add, to keep those thoughts from entering my head. I am choosing to continue to skip down this road that is going to bring me to my referral at the end of this month. One more week, my referral is coming in one more week. Please, God, let it come in one more week...

Blurbs

I have a bunch of little blurbs, but nothing big to share with you today. Here goes....

1. Remember the Floating Playpen? If you look at past posts you will find a picture of the Floating Playpen in all of it's orange goodiness. It is receiving a complete makeover. I love having a pontoon from the 1970's. I can make changes on a whim and completely change the look. The Floating Playpen will soon be painted in "Safety Red". That's right-we are painting the boat with spray paint but it sure looks good. The brown carpet is being replaced with new grey floor covering. We are swapping out the green resin chairs for white ones and replacing the permanently mounted green grill with a black/red one. I will post pictures once the project is complete.

2. I had a fantabulous Mothers Day yesterday. Was gifted and fed and treated like royalty. There was a sprinkling of sadness to the day since Chester and Dreamsicle were not present but just a small sprinkle. Chester's absence is one I will have to get used to and this will be the last Mother's Day without Dreamsicle.

3. Speaking of Dreamsicle-her nursery is just about complete. My niece will be painting the Hawaaian/surfer frog chicks on her wall this week then I will post pictures.

4. Still hopeful that our referral will come at the end of this month. I tried to be sly and weasel information out of our agency but they have been playing this game far longer than me. I did get the answer that I needed to my "what if" question but no promises that we will see our baby girls face this month.

Hopeful

Today I am hopeful. I don't know why but I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach. I also have this strange sense of urgency, like I must hurry to finish Dreamsicle's room. I have finally realized that the end is in sight. It. Has. To. Be. We should either receive our referral at the end of May or at the very latest, the end of June. In as little as 3 weeks from now, Dreamsicle could change from just a name on a page to our daughter. Our daughter. Our Dreams, Our Hopes, Our living, breathing, waiting for her mama and daddy to come get her Daughter. I have had small bouts of this feeling before which have been dashed but we are so close to the end that this time it has to be real. It has to be.

When Two Worlds Collide

As most of you know, I work in the healthcare industry. I am seriously beginning to have adoption brain. I just read an email from one of my staff members telling me that she forgot to date stamp her LID, couldn't get to the INS or the DOR.

Translation:

LID-means the same in both worlds (log in date) just different paperwork

INS-in my work world this is short for Insurance, we all know what it stands for in adoption land

DOR-in my work world this is the abbreviation for Doctor of Record, in adoption land it is Date of Referral.

How much do you think this adoption is wearing on me when I translated that into adoption speak before remembering where I'm at?

In other news...

My friend and I were bartenders at the reception of the son of someone we work with on Saturday. I have never bartended before but my friend has. Let me just say that I will forever watch myself very carefully in public social settings after being behind the bar one night. The stuff we saw and the things we heard were enough to make my toes curl. Trust me on this-you really don't realize how drunk and stupid you get until you are one of the only sober ones at a function like this. Very interesting.

Anxious with a side of insomnia

I have no idea what is going on in adoption land lately. The latest tragedy is that there are a group of people who were told by their agency that their Log In Date was June 6th. The cut off for referrals for April was June 6th. Guess what, there was apparently a mistake made on the paperwork for at least 17 families-they were really logged in on June 7th. Can you imagine? You finally think your turn is here, that after 10 months of waiting you will be receiving your referral only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you at the 11th hour? Crushing is what that would be.

I can't get this out of my head. My heart hurts so badly for those families.

Of course now I envision this happening to us. We have two weeks worth of LIDS to get through before our LID. I can't sleep. I keep envisioning that the CCAA pulls a fast one on all of us and actually gets through two weeks worth of LIDS in one month and either stops on the 19th (because ours is the 20th) or they will go throught the 20th and we won't receive ours. I have at least another four weeks to worry about this before we will know what dates the next batch of referrals will contain. I may need to start having Red Bull iv's to keep me awake if I don't start sleeping. So close and so close, or so close and yet so far? Who knows?

Does anyone else think that there is a large group of people in China laughing at us right now?

Dog gone it

Dog gone it. This wait is becoming endless. Endless. E-N-D-L-E-S-S. We just got word that referrals were mailed today. They covered May 31-June 6th. Just in case anybody has forgotten (because I don't whine about it enough) our LID is June 20th. Talk about having a hard time planning anything. This could extend out as far as July or August if the CCAA keeps referring at this slow of a pace. I sent my check in today to the USCIS because the wait has extended so far out that we will have to be refingerprinted. One of the women that has the same LID as us called me while we were in Vegas all excited because she just "knows" we are going to get our referral in May and isn't that just so exciting? I have no idea how she figures that is going to happen. Not at this pace.

It is so wierd. The week of referrals used to be such an exciting time for the people that were waiting. The wait has gotten to be so long that I know alot of us now dread it more than look forward to it. Instead of being able to see yourself steadily moving forward you now see how far you really have left to go.

I'm going to continue to work on Dreamsicle's room. My digital camera broke so I can't post pictures until I get it repaired. I need to keep reminding myself to take positive steps forward. I see shopping in my near future, lots and lots of shopping.

Elvis Lives!

And dudes, he's a very quick changer. McGyver and I just returned from Vegas this morning. As we were walking down the strip we would see Elvis! dressed in a black shiny sequiny jumpsuit if we looked to our right. We would then go a few blocks and see him again-being the quick changer that he is he would be in his white shiny sequiny jumpsuit. More Elvis' per square foot than I have ever seen in Vegas before. Kinda freaky.

I had a conference in Vegas that I was exhibiting at. Can anyone tell me why the maintenance staff of one very large, fancy schmancy hotel on the end of the strip would ever think it was a good idea to replace loose granite on a wall right next to my booth at the exact moment that the exhibit hall opens up for the first time? The odor was horrific and needless to say I spent a rather lonely day trying to get people to dare hold their breath long enough to come see me. I tried juggling with my cool give-aways, tried smiling really big and bright, all to no avail. Me and two other vendors were like lepers. But hey, after inhaling the fumes for quite some time we became increasingly happy and hungry. I made my way back to the room once the expo hall closed and I'm fairly certain McGyver thought I had stopped at the bar somewhere.

Overall the trip was great but I'm glad to be home. Of course I managed to perform the usual klutzy things that I normally do. I wore a new halter style dress to dinner our first night and while attempting to get out of the taxi I got kind of tangled up in my dress, causing my boob to fall out. The cabbie loved that one-said I didn't need to worry about tipping him, he just got a big one! Funny guy. The strap on my computer bag got caught on the armrest of the plane while I was attempting to deplane. I didn't realize it until I was yanked backwards while trying to walk forward. The list goes on and on. At least I'm a source of entertainment.

Aaaahhhhhh

A warm sunny vacation was just what I needed. We spent time with my father in law, took his boat out into the Gulf of Mexico and fished on the first day we were down there. We saw sea turtles live and up close and caught sharks! Sharks that were about 2-3 feet in length but how fun to be able to say that I caught a shark. McGyver and I spent some quality alone time having dinners at restaurants overlooking the Gulf , gorging ourselves on seafood and taking long walks on the beach. We spent family time with Pixie and U*Haul on the beach a couple of days and ventured to Mexico. I was able to sleep in, clear my head and just......breathe. We spent 8 glorious days in the sunshine so now I have a well earned sunburn and a peeling forehead but it was so worth it. We drove to South Padre Island and coming back we stopped by Fort Knox to spend some time with Chester. When we arrived home X*Boy had painted Dreamsicle's room! Yeah-one task down in the transformation of Chester's old room into Dreamsicle's hawaiian frog heaven. Next week McGyver and I are headed to Vegas so for now I'm keeping myself at an arms length from all things adoption (except for moving forward on Dreamsicle's room) and just enjoying my family. I hope this week all of my fellow waiting families are able to find peace as well.

Not So Blue

I took it easy this weekend, hung around the house, slept, ate, ate some more. I feel better. The weather is warming up and the sun is shining which I think is helping. So now I'm going to run away from life for a while. McGyver and I, along with U*Haul & Pixie are going to South Padre Island for 8 days. I'm planning on doing nothing but soaking up sunshine and regaining my perspective. I'm headed to the gym-do you think I can lose a size in four days so that I can get into my swimsuit?

Brain Freeze

You know how your face feels after your dentist gives you a shot of novacaine? That's kind of how my brain feels right now. I have had severe tantrums on this here blog o' mine plenty of times in the past about the increase in the wait time. Confirmation that referrals have only been given to families with LID's through May 30th has caused me to have brain freeze. I can't cry, I'm so way past anger and frustration right now that I'm not sure what you would call the emotional state that my brain is in right now. I wonder if this is what PTSS feels like. I have asked the people that had been planning our baby showers to please hold off on sending invitations. I don't think I could enjoy myself right now. The worst part is just not knowing when. I have taken myself off of the DTC boards (frankly I think our June DTC board is probably going to implode anyway. I'm very saddened at how there seems to be two factions of people who never agree on anything but that's all I'm going to say about that) and will probably stop visiting the big board as well. I am so gloriously happy for those that have been waiting all of these months that will be receiving their referrals but at the same time I am selfishly sad. Emotionally I am now planning on receiving our referral in August, with travel in October. It will have taken the CCAA 5 months to send referrals for all of the May families and with a late June LID I guess I had better prepare myself for the long haul. Of course this news comes during the week after we sent Chester back to Kentucky and a day before the anniversary of when we lost Angel baby. I think I'm going to just eat my way through this weekend and maybe I'll wake up on Monday able to feel something.

Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me

Well, it's that time of the month again (no, not that time of the month, geesh). The time of the month where the rumor mill starts churning. People on the June DTC board are absolutely devastated with the latest rumors which everyone "swears" are true. The rumor is that only the rest of May will receive referrals this month. How do ya like that? It really is beginning to look like Dreamsicle will be twelve years old when we get her. Our. referral. is. going. to. take. that. long.
To all of my infertile friends waiting for referrals-I am so sorry. I have 3 boys whom I adore. As bad as this wait is for me, I cannot imagine the pain that all of you are going through. I really cannot imagine. I feel so selfish feeling sorry for lil' old me when I have kids who I can shower with love and affection while you all wait to experience that feeling for the first time in your lives. I ache so badly for all of you. Hold on for a little while longer. Please.

A New Day Dawns

Today has been a better day. The sun is shining and McGyver and I spent the day shopping. I finally found the bedspread for Dreamsicle's room that will tie in the Hawaiian/Frog theme that I am working towards. McGyver came up with a tremendous idea for her headboard as well. Her crib bedding arrived today and I purchased the carpet for her room. So let's add up the purchases I have made in the past two days

1. A kickin' stroller
2. Dreamsicle's second car seat
3. Carpet
4. Bedspread
5. Crib Bedding

Retail Therapy has been successful in lightening my mood for the day. Can't promise what tomorrow will bring (Chester leaves to go back to Kentucky, blech) but I'll take the good days as they come.

I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin

It doesn't fit right any more. I'm not exercising, I'm eating everything in site-including an entire box of those cookies that come out once a year in one sitting. I'm heavier than I have been in years and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I really don't know how much longer I can go on without Dreamsicle. This wait is becoming endless. People try to say comforting things that really don't comfort but tend to frustrate me, thankfully I've been able to smile and thank them for their effort. (Warning-snarkiness ahead-if it's going to offend you stop reading now)

I get so frustrated when the same people say the same things over and over and over again. Yes , I know that my baby has already been born, no there is no way that we will be getting a newborn baby-trust me-I know this for sure. NO, NO, NO I do not have a picture of my sweet baby yet, NO, NO, NO I do not know when/where we will be traveling. And the big one-I absolutely DO NOT KNOW when I will know these things. That's what is making me so absolutely crazy. If we would have known going into this that the wait would be x months we could have prepared ourselves, but to have the rug pulled out from underneath us half way through is hard. So. Hard. There are even rumors that the end of June LIDs (ours is June 20th)might not get referrals until June or later. Right now I feel like I did back in December-when we were expecting to receive our referral. I just knew that the slowdown back then would be made up for in January so I was still optimistic. Right now we could be on the cusp of receiving our referral, or we could not be. Who knows? Not me.

To ease my pain I went shopping for baby goodies-I spent wayyyyyy too much money but it was the only thing that could take away a little of the anxiety-as crazy as it sounds it makes me feel closer to Dreamsicle.

Please, please, please let referrals come soon and include our LID.

Why/How/When

1. Why oh why did I sign up for a quilt square exchange when I cannot, for the life of me measure correctly? I have had to beg my mother to cut out my squares for me so I am late in sending them to everyone.

2. How can I have cut the knuckle on my finger (notice the word finger, not leg) with my razor so badly that I had to apply pressure and two bandages to make the bleeding stop?

3. Why did I decide that I was going to decorate Dreamsicle's room in a Hawaiian Frog theme? The green I have purchased for the walls does not match any bedding I like.

4. Why did I post my new years resolutions on this blog? Confession time-I have not exercised, ate healthier (except for maybe twice), started on Dreamsicle's room or any of the other things I said I was going to do.

5. How am I ever going to figure out which two pair of shoes to bring to China with me?

6. Why am I still sick? 2 weeks after I first fell ill, I'm still sufferin' (poor me!)

7. When oh when will we receive our Dreamsicle referral?

Dude, Do Ya Want A 'Samich?

I have this never ending need to try to feed homeless people whenever I travel. It all started two years ago in San Francisco when some guy asked me for change. I knew better than to give him money but he really looked hungry so I jumped into the nearest convenience store, bought a sandwich and came back out, intending to give it to him. When I tried to give him the sandwich he ran the other way. For a moment I started running after him, yelling-I bought you a sandwich! Then my common sense kicked in and I stopped. For the next hour I lugged around a sandwich wondering what to do with it. While waiting in line to board a ferry another homeless guy started reciting the declaration of independence, asking for money every so often so when he came near me, I gave him the sandwich. He took it. During the ensuing two years, in whatever major city I am in, I have the never ending desire to feed these folks. Most of the time the person will take the food. Last fall when I was in DC a woman approached me and asked if I would give her money because she was pregnant and needed to eat. Okay-she looked pregnant-like really, really pregnant-so I stopped into the Blimpie and bought her a sub and a carton of milk. When I came back out, she was a few feet away from me. I started to approach her with the food and she literally turned around, running and screaming at me to get away from her. Imagine my surprise when I saw this same woman (still looking very, very pregnant) and she approached me again last week in DC. I kid you not, she looked into my eyes and must have recognized me as the crazy lady from the year before that actually tried to give her food-you could see the recognition cross her face. She immediately turned and ran, screaming in the other direction.

Stuff a Kleenex Up Your Nose

I am sick. Sicker than I have been in a very long time. So sick that I somehow managed to shred the inside of my upper lip because I was too dang tired to bother moving the electric toothbrush around in my mouth and my lip got caught in the spinner thingy. So sick that I didn't remember to rinse the conditioner out of my hair until I attempted to comb it while getting dressed. I stayed home from work yesterday but had a few meetings that I really couldn't miss today so I went in. I ended up losing my voice and left early. On the way home I stopped at my bank to make a deposit. I'm a sneezy, nose blowing fool and I was standing in line behind a little boy and his mother. He watched me for a few minutes then tugged on my pant leg and asked me; why don't you just stuff a kleenex up your nose? Hmmm, why not?

How Boring Am I?

How boring am I? I'm so boring that as I was tooling around on the vast internet reading my favorite blogs I realized that I have been removed from not one, not two, but THREE people's blog roles! Sheesh, what a blow to the old ego. Not much to report though. I'm experiencing a serious case of pity party-ness since we received the news today that referrals were only given through some crazy date like May 25th or May 27th. Can someone please bake Mr CCAA some cookies to butter him up enough to start including more LID's with each referral cycle? Pretty please? Our date with Dreamsicle seems to keep being pushed further and further back. I am becoming more and more convinced that she will be 12 years old by the time we actually get to meet her (I think I may have bought clothes a tad too small) since the wait keeps increasing. It really is hard looking at people month after month and having to explain one more time that no, we do not know when we will receive our referral, no we do not know how old she is,yes we are sure we still want to go through with this. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

IN OTHER NEWS........

Chester will be coming home next week for 20 days as a recruiter's assistant, he will return to Fort Knox when his Tanker School actually starts this time.

U*Haul just got word that he has been offered a place in the freshman class of his number one pick for college and has been offered a position on the football team! Yeah U*Haul! Please, please, please Mr CCAA man, please allow us to have Dreamsicle home before U*Haul's football games start this fall.