Sweet Dreams

I keep having this dream night after night. In my dream I can see the outline of Koli. She is about a year old with dark hair that is in pig tails. I can see that she has a round face and is wearing an impish grin but the rest of her features are fuzzy. She reaches out to me and calls me Mama. I am so happy and content as I reach down and pick her up, snuggling with her on my shoulder. I inhale deeply and smell baby lotion. So that is my new obsession-baby lotion. I purchased a large bottle of it recently, not to wear but just to open and smell. Every time I smell it I am reminded of my dream and I just close my eyes and relive the scene.

Today was referral day-not for me but for some fellow bloggers that I am getting to know. One family in particular has touched me from the very beginning. I won't link to their blog without their permission but they have the most amazing video of her referral phone call. I sat watching that video with tears literally streaming down my cheeks. Congratulations K & S-I am sure you will be amazing parents! Watching that video made everything that much more real for me. Seeing K's hands visibly shaking as she fumbles for something to write with, hearing the unsteady tone of her voice which was filled with such excitement and anticipation, I can so relate to that. I placed a pen and pad of paper in my glove box after watching her because I am prone to moments like that. In my case our referral call will probably come just before I hit a dead spot on my way home from work with my cell phone. I can see it now-congratulation L & S you have been referred a .......
Maybe I will have to tote around my bottle of baby lotion when our turn comes around, so that if the cell phone isn't in range I can just open it and smell.

Oh Happy Days!

Last week was such a terrific week. Not only were we notified of our Log In Date, but the infamous Brown Envelope appeared in my mailbox on Saturday! That's right ladies and gentleman, the H family actually received the brown envelope! It really is a relief to know that not only does the Chinese government know about us but the American Consulate does as well. All is right in my world at the moment.

My Mom dropped by on Saturday and gave me a gift. She had purchased a beautifully illustrated childrens book on adoption. The author was present at the festival that she was at so she was able to get this book signed. It brought tears to my eyes when I read the book. My Mom and I just stood there for a few minutes, both misty eyed after I was done. The book was great and I love my Mom so much for taking the care to purchase this. I have to send a big shout out to one of my best friends in the whole wide world-T-. T ran into my Mom at the festival and pointed the book out. It just gives me such a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that not only is my family excited about Koli but that my friends are too.

We Are Expecting!!

What a great day! I opened my email up this afternoon to find a message from our adoption agency. They had been notified of our Log In Date and it is June 20th! So let the official count down begin!! If everything stays the same we can expect to receive our referral in December. Oh happy day!! The best part is that we already have one month under our belt. Thank you Heavenly Father!!

Lucky Bamboo

Things seem to be so connected some days that it is really kind of scary. I received a piece of "Lucky Bamboo" from my staff last year as a gift. All year it has steadily grown and then all of a sudden it has just begun to take off. I kept the little tag attached to it and reread it this morning. This is what it says "We sincerely hope this gift of lucky bamboo will bring happiness and good fortune to you." Hmmm, our dossier is in China, meaning our precious Koli is one step closer to us and all of a sudden my bamboo is starting to look like the beanstalk from J*ack and the Beanstalk. I know, I know, cheesy but come on people-I'm looking for anything to make me feel like we are still forging ahead.

As I mentioned before we are planning on getting to know the other 5-6 couples in our area that are using the same adoption agency and were DTC the same date as us. I have talked with a couple of them and they have received their brown envelope. Of course we have not received ours because that is the way things go in the H household. The brown envelope is filled with important documents that are sent to you by the US Consulate in China. It contains things like Visa applications, etc. Receiving the brown envelope is like Christmas for some people (me being one of them). I would race to the mailbox every day waiting for it then I found out the other people in our travel group have already received theirs, which made me feel like I was the kid on Christmas morning that received the lump of coal in her stocking. I have been assured by our adoption agency that not everyone receives the envelope and they have all of the necessary documents that are contained in the brown envelope at their office so not to worry. It's still a little disturbing to me but I am trying to focus on the positive. We still have not been notified of our LID (log in date) yet. This is the date that the Chinese government officially logs your dossier in to their system for processing. I don't expect to hear for another few weeks and keep telling myself that the longer it takes for me to hear, the less waiting time I will actually have left when I find out the date. It typically takes up to 14 days to be logged in so if that is the case we are looking at June 24th or somewhere close to that date as our LID. Which means that we will realistically not get our referral until January. I'm hoping for our referral in December but don't want to get myself into the lump of coal category again by setting myself up if it doesn't come by Christmas.
L made another trip to Cabela*s last week and came home with two very adorable outfits for Koli. Of course they are camo colored but they do have ruffles and bows so I'm happy, we are making progress.

Redneck Yachtclub Part Two

Oh what a weekend we had! I do not have the pic's ready to post yet but they are hilarious! When we pulled up to the island, everyone's mouth dropped open (in awe I'm sure). We headed out to the middle of the river to watch fire works, ended up tying up to three other boats and could not get rid of the river police. They kept circling our entourage dying of laughter. They wanted to know if they could use my port a potty (are they nuts?) and were completely dumbfounded by Koli's Favorite Aunt's lighting system. Her boat had PVC pipe that ended with an elbow attachment. On the elbow attachment they had placed a DISCO BALL!! It was attached to a battery so while the fire works were flying the Redneck Yachtclub was helping with the lighting from the DISCO BALL (very festive) and the Tiki Torches. Both of our boats had signs on them that said Redneck Yacht Klub established 2005. What a great time. After the fire works we pulled back into the cove at the island, set the tent up on the floating play pen, blew up our air mattress and settled in for some good sleep. The only problem with the good sleep theory was that we were right next to where the campfire was on shore. Fourth of July, an island, adult beverages, nice weather does not equal good sleep when you have a dozen people who can stay up all night celebrating! So we did the best we could trying to get sleep and spent the next day on the floating play pen just relaxing. We actually had two separate boats pull up next to us and ask how much the membership fee was to get into the "Klub". Stay tuned for pic's.

Redneck Yacht Club

I am back from Hawaii-had an absolutely fabulous time with my mom and the conference I attended was tremendous. In fact, the organization that sponsors this conference is going to make Maui the permanent meeting site! So once a year I will be able to go to Hawaii without alot of out of pocket expenses for me-Woo-Hoo!! We are already planning for next year's trip. I will be bringing the whole family and sure hope Koli can tolerate the long plane ride just a short time after we bring her home.

Now on to the topic of my heading. This weekend is Fourth of July. We recently purchased an old pontoon boat. We had a larger, nicer boat but L felt strongly that with Koli coming we needed to "right size" and purchase something that was more like a giant play pen. The boat is orange-not modern cool orange but circa 1970 shag carpet orange. It has brown indoor/outdoor carpet on it. We had to buy chairs to sit on so we searched and searched and finally had to settle on hunter green resin stackable chairs. Because it is close to the Fourth of July holiday most places that carry boat accessories are pretty low on supplies. We needed to have bouys to hang off the side of the boat. Could not find a white one to save our lives so we ended up with neon blue bouys. To add to the festivities L insisted on purchasing Tiki Torches for all four corners of the giant play pen. We have a tradition of pitching tents on an island friends of ours own for the weekend and watching the fire works off of our boat. L has decided that we do not need to pitch a tent on the island when we have the giant play pen. So we have purchased a tent that will fit on the deck of the boat and will be staying on board the ship. He also invested in the surround normally used for a solar shower which he has hung from the frame of the play pens canopy, thus giving me an instant bathroom with the port-a-potty safely tucked away inside the shower surround. He came up with the bright idea to permanently mount our charcoal grill to the front of the boat. Can anyone think of anything more redneck than our boat? I am going to try very hard to post a picture of the floating play pen sometime after the holiday. While searching for all of our classy accessories L spotted the teeniest tiniest life jacket that he begged to purchase for Koli. Very cute if you would like your daughter in camo color. I think not. So if anyone is on a certain large body of water that is really a river in Michigan and you see the floating play pen, give us a shout-we would love to meet you. Happy Holiday everyone!

Mean People Suck

Mean.People.Suck.

I am fairly new to this thing called the adoption community. Those of you that know me know that one thing I do well is research and plan. So although we have not been part of the adoption community for long I feel that I have done a fairly decent job of bringing myself and L up to speed on all of the important things regarding China and adoption. I am constantly amazed at the attitudes of other adoption community members. I used to be glued to the big board regarding China adoptions, now I can barely bring myself to view that board once a week. It is inexplicable to me how people who are traveling the same path can be so cruel and condescending to each other at times. I personally don't care if someone is searching for the perfect patriotic outfit to bring their new daughter home in. Doesn't matter to me. Not one iota. I don't care if they want their Coming Home Barbie or not. These things hold no relevance for me. That they are of importance to others is pretty evident on the big board. I try to live by the rule that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. There are obviously lots of people out there whose Mama's never taught them that rule. Why the need to put someone else down? Beginning this process of international adoption has forced me to really examine what is important to me and I can tell you that how someone else is going to dress their baby is not on my radar. I have been shocked on more than one occasion by the remarks people make to me when they find out we are adopting from China. I think that everyone who has made this decision has been faced with the same kinds of questions. Things like-Why do we feel the need to buy our baby? How come we are not strong enough parents to take in a foster child or two and adopt them? What's wrong with a good ole American baby? Normally I try to deflect the questions and move on. I'm not sure how I am going to react once we have Kolaina home and someone makes a racist remark. I hope that I can remain calm while letting the person know how out of line the comment is but I am afraid that the Mama Bear in me will rear her ugly head and leave the person asking the question realing. I don't want to be a mean person so just play nice okay?

Expectant Mother Parking

Since we have made our decision to adopt I feel out of sorts at times. In my mind, I am an expectant mother. I giggle when I pull into a parking lot and see the reserved parking spots for expectant mothers. I have such a desire to utilize one of those spaces but am such a rule follower that I will not do it. But why shouldn't I? Although my ankles are not swollen (let's not talk about my belly) I am technically an expectant mother am I not? I have begun to hang out in baby stores, searching for furniture, bedding, etc. It is almost as if I am invisible at times. Those women who are obviously expecting are swooped upon by the store employees. I can wander aimlessly for 30 minutes without anyone coming up to ask me anything more than if I need help accessing someone's baby registry. I often wonder how they cannot tell that I am an expectant mother from the excited glow my cheeks exude whenever I am near baby gear.

I'm makin' a blankie

I should 'fess up right from the get go that I have this wonderful dream of receiving squares of fabric from people all over the world that will be lovingly sewn together by hand by me as I gaze dreamily at the fabric I am handling, creating a quilt for my daughter. In all actuality what is going to happen is I am going to put a shameless plea out to everyone reading this blog to send me two squares of fabric (8 x 8) along with a 3 x 5 card that has your wish for Kolaina written on it (on the card, not the fabric) and I will beg my mom to make the quilt for me. I alluded to this quilt in a previous post but wanted to give everyone some history behind this desire to make this blanket. The quilt is commonly known as a 100 wishes quilt or a Bai Jia Bei. I was initially going to ask for one square of fabric with the wish written directly on the fabric but have since read other people's ideas on how they are putting their baby quilts together and really like some of them! So, if you could be so kind as to send two squares of fabric I will use one to make a square on the quilt and the other one will be attached to the wish that was written on the 3 x 5 card and stored in a box for Kolaina to be able to read the wishes and feel the fabrics of her quilt. It is my understanding that this tradition started in Northern China as a way of welcoming a new baby. So for those of you that lurk here and know my address or see me in real life, bring on the squares! For those of you that just read the blog, please email me at hll_sz@yahoo.com and I will give you the address to send the squares too. Don't worry Aunties, I have forwarned my mom. :) What would be really cool is if I could convince all of my cousins (and I have a couple of ultra hip chic's I am proud to be related to) to get together to have an old fashioned quilting bee-and yes right now my ultra cool chic cousins are spitting diet coke out of their noses at the thought while my other cousins who are the craftiest things this side of Martha Stewart are probably seriously considering the idea. Darling way cool big sister of mine, can you please send me a couple o'squares of one of Dad's flannel shirts? Koli has to have a part of Pa-pa in her blankie don't ya think?

I am a chatter box tonight. Did I tell ya'll that my 72 year old father in law wants to go to China with us? I think that is the coolest thing ever. I am leaving for Hawaii in three days with my mom. I'm so over the top excited about this-can anyone think of a better place to chill with your mama? I am very thankful that this summer will be busy. It will help pass the time while we are waiting for our referral. I will be traveling in a few days for a week, will be out of town the week after the fourth and once again in August. Once school is back in session it will be a whirlwind because it will be D's senior year and he plays football. So by the time football is done Thanksgiving will be right around the corner, then December will be upon us. December will see us heading out to San Diego to watch W graduate from Boot Camp and hopefully bring us good news in the form of our referral. I have never wanted six months to pass so quickly before in my life. Here we go with that patience thing again, huh?

More Ponderin'

I'm not quite sure when I became such a klutz but I did several things today that just reaffirmed the fact that yes I am indeed a klutz. I used to be a cheerleader. A flyer to be exact. I could scale many levels of people in a single bound, end up on top of a mount smiling and willingly jump/twist off and land on my feet. With a smile on my face. Somewhere along the way I seemed to have lost that grace and poise. Imagine if you will approaching the front of your all glass building where there is a meeting room filled with your colleagues looking out, you know they can see you but you can't see them through the smokey glass. You know the room is filled with people because you checked the schedule the day before, you walk tall as you are approaching the building, shoulders squared, head lifted, maybe even flipping your hair casually just to appear like you have it all together. You are wearing heels, feeling pretty good about yourself when IT happens. Just before the entrance your heel gets stuck in the crack in the sidewalk filled with goo. Your shoe sticks, the rest of your body does not. You end up propelling forward in an awkward hopping motion since you now only have one shoe. Shouting to yourself inside your head-do not fall, do not fall, do not f...... You end up not falling but not because of your cat like abilities but because your awkward hopping, forward propelling motion lands you in a bush instead. Leaves me to ponder-will Kolaina think I'm a cool mom if something like this happens while we are somewhere, like the mall, and she is hyperventilating because at the same time she spots the boy she has a crush on from math class he spots her and her mom is oh so gracefully hopping around on one foot because she just lost her heel?

If this was an isolated event it might not have got me pondering but many of you know the story of me losing the top to my swimming suit while at the completely packed pool in Hawaii and of me not having a pocket to carry a t*mpon in and ever so cooly tucking it into my pants waistband only to discover that it came out my pantleg while I was walking-that would be walking right in front of one of my male bosses. I probably don't have to remind anyone of the time I gave myself whiplash while wearing heels and having my heel sink into a hole in the floor at the office of my previous employer (in my defense I was walking REALLY fast to keep up with someone who had VERY long legs). I think I will take up ballet, or maybe yoga. I think I need to do something to help me get my coordination back. Or I need to hope that I have a really clumsy daughter.

Things to Ponder...

It is pretty incredible the way this adoption has kind of flowed right along with big moments in W's life. We received our corrected 171-H on W's graduation day, we received word that we were DTC the day before W's open house, we should receive our referral around the same time that W graduates from Boot Camp. I was talking to one of my friends about all of these coincidences when she made a startling observation. I have told people that I really believe that Kolaina was born in December. December just happens to be the month that W and M were born. December 2nd to be exact. She asked me if I had thought about the possibility that she could share a birthday with my boys. Huh? Nope, that thought never crossed my mind. Now it seems that that is all that I think about. The Chinese have a belief (I am paraphrasing here) that when someone is born there is an invisible red thread that connects that person to everyone who will be important in his/her life irregardless of time. The timing of all of these events does tend to make one go hmmmmm.

We Are DTC!!!

We received word on Friday that our paperwork made it into the "China Box" and was being mailed to China that day. So we are officially DTC. What does DTC stand for you ask? It stands for "Dossier to China". It is the next major hurdle we had to cross. We now wait for word of our LID which is our "log in date". The log in date is the official start of the waiting. Typically speaking you can expect to receive your referral for your daughter six months after your log in date. Since we are June DTC our referral should come right before Christmas!

I'm leaving on a jet plane

Okay so maybe it's not really me that's leaving....it is something even better. It is our dossier!! I paid the nice Fed Ex man this afternoon and sometime after 6:00 pm tonight our dossier will be making its way across the country to Texas to be delivered to our adoption agency by 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Woo-hoo!!! How happy can one family be? Well, our family is pretty dog gone happy tonight. I have no idea when our DTC date will be or what our LID will be (my understanding is you get your LID 7-15 days after your dossier is received by the Chinese government.) If this is true this is very good news. We could squeeze in under the wire for a June LID!! The paper chase has ended. Today is a very good day!

Bursts of Joy

Our corrected I-171H form came back to us last week. I took Friday off and drove like a mad woman to the Great Seal to get the document certified. On the way back into town I stopped at the bank and got a money order then stopped by my office to make a copy of the certified I-171H. I then had lunch with my social worker and proceeded to pop all of the documents that needed to go to Chicago to be authenticated into an Express Mail envelope and send them on their way. All day on Friday I was giddy. While lunching with my social worker she filled me in on what is happening with her personal quest to adopt her second daughter from China. As it turns out, she sent her documents to be authenticated one day before me! She then let me know that there are 7 families within a 60 mile radius that are at the same place in this adoption process, using the same adoption agency and so we are all planning on getting together and getting to know each other over the next 6 months. After I left her I was just so over the top happy. When I stopped by the post office to mail my documents, I had to ask the postal clerk if she would be willing to take a picture of me holding the Express Mail envelope (so if anyone was in the post office at the same time as the crazy woman holding up the line posing for a picture while laughing and crying at the same time, I apologize.) I want Koli's journey to be as well documented as possible. I want her to know that even before we knew her face, we loved her and felt it important to chronicle the entire process of bringing her home. Once I left the post office I called L on my cell phone and just burst out crying. He was so worried until I could blurt out that I was crying tears of happiness and explained that I had just mailed all of the documents to Chicago. Then he became excited as well. We are so close to the end of this paper chase. It should be at the end of next week that we receive our authenticated documents back, the next day we will Fed Ex our entire dossier to our adoption agency. So a June DTC date is looming ahead for us. While doing the calculations from that point forward, we should receive our referral in December. I want nothing more for Christmas than to be able to hold a picture of my daughter and know that very soon after that we will be holding her. Ever since Friday I will just be suddenly filled with bursts of joy. I break into a huge grin and feel so good. Our paper chase is almost over, we are only a few steps away from having our documents in the hands of the Chinese government. I think I am finally going to be able to start breathing again.

It's Finally Here (well, sorta)

Our I171H, the final piece of paper that we were waiting for is here! I tore open the envelope on Thursday afternoon so fast that I was afraid I ripped the form itself. After being so depressed that day, I got home from work to find it in our mailbox. I had to really make a genuine effort to keep my excitement to a minimum because it was W's high school graduation and the day really belonged to him. So I made arrangements at work on Friday to come in late on Monday so that I could take the document to the Great Seal to be certified on Monday. Today I was really looking over the document and realized that there is a potential error on the form!! The form states the day the request was received in their office (March 2005) along with the date the request was authorized (May 2005) only our form does not state May 2005-it states May 2006!! So I don't think I am going to be able to have a form certified that looks like it should not even be in existence for another year. I have emailed our adoption agency and will wait to hear from them tomorrow morning. We are sooooo close to the end of the paperchase that I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight while I worry myself to death over whether or not this is going to push us back. The form also has us approved for two children. Great to know but we only requested one. I tried to talk L into changing our letter requesting that we be allowed to adopt a baby to asking to be allowed to adopt twins but he's not budging on that one so I'm not pushing the issue. Keep your fingers crossed that this all gets worked out quickly so we can get these documents sent to China soon!

What a week!

This week has been frought with different emotions. Tuesday was the one year anniversary of my dad's death. To say the day was difficult would be an understatement. I know he is in a better place but I have had such a range of emotions running through my body this week that it has been pretty incredible. My poor family probably thinks that I am becoming a multi-personality individual. I am comforted by knowing that he is in Heaven but I am so sad at the same time. Tonight is W's high school graduation. I am absolutely thrilled and very proud of W's accomplishments and can hardly wait to celebrate tonight, I am sure he will feel his grandpa and grandma's spirits with him as he walks across that stage tonight. So joy and sadness are combined in my heart right now.

The clock is still ticking on the ever elusive and I do mean elusive 171-H. I'm beginning to think that it may never come. There is no joy in that statement that's for sure (sigh)

Clarifications and sweetness

I got an email from our adoption agency yesterday that was quite timely for me. I had been very confused as to what to call the agency that issues the 171H and they just happened to decide to provide everyone with a glossary of terms. This helped clear up my confusion on a number of different fronts. So the agency that will be issuing the 171H is now called the USCIS-formerly known as BCIS-formerly known as INS. So, now I'm up to speed on that one.
Our agency does not issue a DTC and Log-In date. They consider the date that your document is logged in to be your DTC date. So that means that we cannot be DTC in May. No matter when we send in our documents now our DTC date will be in June because it takes about 2 weeks once the documents get to China to be logged in.
So this takes some of the pressure off of my being out of town next week. I realized that I could not have my mom get our 171H certified if it came while I was away because we need to have a notarized statement along with a copy of the 171H to be certified. Since L is still hunting large scary bears out of the country, it would be impossible to move forward until he comes back home. So the Jeopardy music plays on in my head.
I have been so blessed with having some terrific friends. They listen to me whine and complain, share in my joy and always watch out for me. Koli's favorite aunt (actually one my best friends)is so dear to me. She has one of the purest hearts of anyone that I have ever met. She constantly amazes me with the care and compassion that she showers on all that are around her. She is one of those people that others are instantly attracted to. She is beautiful on the outside-and I mean drop dead gorgeously beautiful, but the beauty of her innermost self dwarfs her outer shell. She gave me my first Mothers Day gift from Koli. I drove home crying after receiving this gift because I was just overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness and caring I receive from her on a daily basis.
So today I have my sane hat back on. I realize that the timing of having our 171H certified is going to have to wait until L gets back anyway, assuming that it comes next week. I think I can handle this now but I apologize to all of you if when I come back from my business trip next week I still don't have the document. If you thought I have whined alot already, watch out. :)

Jeopardy Music

I now have the music from Jeopardy playing in my head. All of the time. You know the little ditty that they play while the contestants are writing down their answers to the final round question? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do...you get the picture. I feel like Alec Trebak (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) is going to jump out of one of my closets and ask-when will your 171-H come? And my answer certainly wouldn't put me in the category of Ken Jennings (is that the name of the guy that set the record for number of consecutive wins?)I would have to reply-I DON'T KNOW!!! I realize that it has only been two weeks but I want it NOW!! I took the rest of my documents to the Great Seal this morning so everything else is certified. I'm in the process of playing a silly game with myself-do I Fed Ex these documents to the courier and get them authenticated now or do I wait until I have the 171 and get them all authenticated at the same time? I keep trying to figure out which way would work best and coming up with what if scenarios. Like-what if I Fed Ex all of the documents to the courier to have her get everything authenticated and my 171 comes while I am gone? Should I ask my mom to get my 171 certified, have the Fed Ex envelopes and additional check made out so that she could pop them in the mail to get done on an expedited basis so that everything would be waiting for me when I got home? What if I waited until I got the 171 then paid to have everything expedited? Ugghhhh, I can't make a decision.
My poor son is now used to me calling him at home when I am on my way home from work. Every day. For the last week. He now answers the phone, Hi Mom, nope it's not here yet. Poor kid. But I am very fortunate he has such a good heart. He never used to get the mail but since L has been gone and he knows we are waiting on this one last document he took it upon himself to retrieve the mail everyday, hang around the house until I call just to give me an update. You know what the sad part of this is? By the time I am in my car driving home and he actually gets home from school, I am 20 minutes away from home. Is that anxious or what? I can't wait 20 minutes? I have to get a grip...

Come on 171!

I am so impatient. As everyone knows we are only waiting on our 171H to complete our dossier. Our homestudy was sent last Monday to meet up with the rest of our paperwork, it has not even been two weeks yet and I am already crawling out of my skin. I feel so much pressure to get this form ASAP because I leave to go out of town next Tuesday. I will not be back until Saturday night. If the form comes while I am gone, I will not be able to take it to get certified until the following Monday. If I have to certify it that Monday then send it to get authenticated, we may not make it under the wire to be DTC in May. I think I will cry buckets and buckets of tears if that happens. I keep reminding myself that this will happen in the time that it is supposed to happen but it is so hard to be in this holding pattern.
I am back into the cry at everything mode right now as well. L has been out of town for a week and will be gone for another 10 days. I miss him so much it hurts. This is the longest we have been apart since our days in the Marine Corps. I am so used to being able to express my fears and anxieties to him and having him make me feel better that not having him here right now is tough. So come on 171!!

Love and Heartache

I have been thinking alot lately about the people that I have loved and lost. The one year anniversary of my father's death is fast approaching. I miss him so much. He is the one missing piece in our journey. My dad LOVED kids. His grandkids used to love to spend time with him and I am so sad that Koli won't be able to experience the silliness that was so much my dad. He used to do things like make up silly songs with words like -If I had a nickle, I'd buy you a pickle and if I had a dime, I'd buy you a lime which would cause any kid in his vicinity to fall into fits of laughter. He would have been such a supporter of us and I really miss his presence.

My mother in law would have been right there with us as well. It might have taken her a while to get used to the idea but I have no doubt that she would not have already been planning on her and my father in law traveling with us to China so that she could meet her newest grand daughter.

I have also been thinking about M alot. With W, his twin, getting ready to graduate from high school, I can't help but reflect on all of the what might have beens had M lived. I remember feeling as if someone had physically ripped open my chest and pulled my heart out of its resting place when M died. The feeling of imbalance and overwhelming sadness that enveloped me for months and in some ways, years after M died which was only softened by the knowledge that I will see him again in Heaven where we will be together for eternity.

While thinking about M, I started thinking about the kind of sacrifice Koli's birth parents were forced to make. I cannot imagine having to make the choice that her birth parents had to make. I think about how I felt when M died and it hurts me to the core to think that her birth parents are experiencing that same kind of pain. All of the hopes and dreams they must have had while carrying her, then having to make the life altering choice to leave her somewhere where they knew she would be found. Having their hopes and dreams then change from what their family would be like to hoping and dreaming (I'm sure) that she be found and placed with a family that would love her. Forever. The love and heartache that they must be experiencing is mind numbing.I pray that they are given peace somehow in knowing that her forever family will love and protect her. She will hopefully one day accept Christ and join us in Heaven as part of the real forever family. While we have her here on earth we will never forget the love, pain and sacrifice her birth parents made and how it was because of them that we were given this most precious gift, our daughter.