Insomnia

I have been battling insomnia for the past few days. I have no problem falling asleep but then wake up a few hours later. McGyver was extremely puzzled by this since things are going well with the business, I know where all of the kids are (except U*Haul who is underway but I repeat repeatedly that no news is good news when he is floating around under the sea) and there really didn't seem to be any stressors that ususally trigger my bouts of insomnia.

It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that it hit me. We are closing in on the day that Angel Baby died. Yep. Tomorrow will be 24 years since I last held my sweet son with the bow lips and softest little baby coo you would ever want to hear. It's strange to me how true some of the things people said to me when we lost him are. A very wise woman told me shortly after we lost Angel Baby that you never get over your loss, you just get used to it. No truer words have ever been spoken.

And in all fairness, I still scratch my head at the asshat remarks we received during the same time frame-things like-"oh-you had identical twins and they were on the same schedule-that is why one died-you couldn't give them both the attention they needed." Really-if I saw that woman today, 24 years later I think I would punch her. Or the classic-"why didn't I tell you to prop the end of the crib up? If you would have propped the end of the crib up your baby would not have died!" Yep-still bitter about the ignorant things that people said after all of this time.

I still struggle with the what ifs. When you lose a child to something like SIDS you are never, ever free of the guilt of what if I had done something (anything!) different. And don't get me started on the emotional breakdown I had when the American Academy of Pediatrics began their "Back to Sleep" campaign. What?! You mean if I would have had put him to sleep on his back he would be here? Talk about something hard to reconcile in your brain.

I know he waits for us in Heaven. I know we will be together again. I tell myself that the worse day of my life was actually the best day of his. But until we meet again March 24th will always be my Friday the 13th.