Not So Blue

I took it easy this weekend, hung around the house, slept, ate, ate some more. I feel better. The weather is warming up and the sun is shining which I think is helping. So now I'm going to run away from life for a while. McGyver and I, along with U*Haul & Pixie are going to South Padre Island for 8 days. I'm planning on doing nothing but soaking up sunshine and regaining my perspective. I'm headed to the gym-do you think I can lose a size in four days so that I can get into my swimsuit?

Brain Freeze

You know how your face feels after your dentist gives you a shot of novacaine? That's kind of how my brain feels right now. I have had severe tantrums on this here blog o' mine plenty of times in the past about the increase in the wait time. Confirmation that referrals have only been given to families with LID's through May 30th has caused me to have brain freeze. I can't cry, I'm so way past anger and frustration right now that I'm not sure what you would call the emotional state that my brain is in right now. I wonder if this is what PTSS feels like. I have asked the people that had been planning our baby showers to please hold off on sending invitations. I don't think I could enjoy myself right now. The worst part is just not knowing when. I have taken myself off of the DTC boards (frankly I think our June DTC board is probably going to implode anyway. I'm very saddened at how there seems to be two factions of people who never agree on anything but that's all I'm going to say about that) and will probably stop visiting the big board as well. I am so gloriously happy for those that have been waiting all of these months that will be receiving their referrals but at the same time I am selfishly sad. Emotionally I am now planning on receiving our referral in August, with travel in October. It will have taken the CCAA 5 months to send referrals for all of the May families and with a late June LID I guess I had better prepare myself for the long haul. Of course this news comes during the week after we sent Chester back to Kentucky and a day before the anniversary of when we lost Angel baby. I think I'm going to just eat my way through this weekend and maybe I'll wake up on Monday able to feel something.

Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me

Well, it's that time of the month again (no, not that time of the month, geesh). The time of the month where the rumor mill starts churning. People on the June DTC board are absolutely devastated with the latest rumors which everyone "swears" are true. The rumor is that only the rest of May will receive referrals this month. How do ya like that? It really is beginning to look like Dreamsicle will be twelve years old when we get her. Our. referral. is. going. to. take. that. long.
To all of my infertile friends waiting for referrals-I am so sorry. I have 3 boys whom I adore. As bad as this wait is for me, I cannot imagine the pain that all of you are going through. I really cannot imagine. I feel so selfish feeling sorry for lil' old me when I have kids who I can shower with love and affection while you all wait to experience that feeling for the first time in your lives. I ache so badly for all of you. Hold on for a little while longer. Please.

A New Day Dawns

Today has been a better day. The sun is shining and McGyver and I spent the day shopping. I finally found the bedspread for Dreamsicle's room that will tie in the Hawaiian/Frog theme that I am working towards. McGyver came up with a tremendous idea for her headboard as well. Her crib bedding arrived today and I purchased the carpet for her room. So let's add up the purchases I have made in the past two days

1. A kickin' stroller
2. Dreamsicle's second car seat
3. Carpet
4. Bedspread
5. Crib Bedding

Retail Therapy has been successful in lightening my mood for the day. Can't promise what tomorrow will bring (Chester leaves to go back to Kentucky, blech) but I'll take the good days as they come.

I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin

It doesn't fit right any more. I'm not exercising, I'm eating everything in site-including an entire box of those cookies that come out once a year in one sitting. I'm heavier than I have been in years and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I really don't know how much longer I can go on without Dreamsicle. This wait is becoming endless. People try to say comforting things that really don't comfort but tend to frustrate me, thankfully I've been able to smile and thank them for their effort. (Warning-snarkiness ahead-if it's going to offend you stop reading now)

I get so frustrated when the same people say the same things over and over and over again. Yes , I know that my baby has already been born, no there is no way that we will be getting a newborn baby-trust me-I know this for sure. NO, NO, NO I do not have a picture of my sweet baby yet, NO, NO, NO I do not know when/where we will be traveling. And the big one-I absolutely DO NOT KNOW when I will know these things. That's what is making me so absolutely crazy. If we would have known going into this that the wait would be x months we could have prepared ourselves, but to have the rug pulled out from underneath us half way through is hard. So. Hard. There are even rumors that the end of June LIDs (ours is June 20th)might not get referrals until June or later. Right now I feel like I did back in December-when we were expecting to receive our referral. I just knew that the slowdown back then would be made up for in January so I was still optimistic. Right now we could be on the cusp of receiving our referral, or we could not be. Who knows? Not me.

To ease my pain I went shopping for baby goodies-I spent wayyyyyy too much money but it was the only thing that could take away a little of the anxiety-as crazy as it sounds it makes me feel closer to Dreamsicle.

Please, please, please let referrals come soon and include our LID.

Why/How/When

1. Why oh why did I sign up for a quilt square exchange when I cannot, for the life of me measure correctly? I have had to beg my mother to cut out my squares for me so I am late in sending them to everyone.

2. How can I have cut the knuckle on my finger (notice the word finger, not leg) with my razor so badly that I had to apply pressure and two bandages to make the bleeding stop?

3. Why did I decide that I was going to decorate Dreamsicle's room in a Hawaiian Frog theme? The green I have purchased for the walls does not match any bedding I like.

4. Why did I post my new years resolutions on this blog? Confession time-I have not exercised, ate healthier (except for maybe twice), started on Dreamsicle's room or any of the other things I said I was going to do.

5. How am I ever going to figure out which two pair of shoes to bring to China with me?

6. Why am I still sick? 2 weeks after I first fell ill, I'm still sufferin' (poor me!)

7. When oh when will we receive our Dreamsicle referral?

Dude, Do Ya Want A 'Samich?

I have this never ending need to try to feed homeless people whenever I travel. It all started two years ago in San Francisco when some guy asked me for change. I knew better than to give him money but he really looked hungry so I jumped into the nearest convenience store, bought a sandwich and came back out, intending to give it to him. When I tried to give him the sandwich he ran the other way. For a moment I started running after him, yelling-I bought you a sandwich! Then my common sense kicked in and I stopped. For the next hour I lugged around a sandwich wondering what to do with it. While waiting in line to board a ferry another homeless guy started reciting the declaration of independence, asking for money every so often so when he came near me, I gave him the sandwich. He took it. During the ensuing two years, in whatever major city I am in, I have the never ending desire to feed these folks. Most of the time the person will take the food. Last fall when I was in DC a woman approached me and asked if I would give her money because she was pregnant and needed to eat. Okay-she looked pregnant-like really, really pregnant-so I stopped into the Blimpie and bought her a sub and a carton of milk. When I came back out, she was a few feet away from me. I started to approach her with the food and she literally turned around, running and screaming at me to get away from her. Imagine my surprise when I saw this same woman (still looking very, very pregnant) and she approached me again last week in DC. I kid you not, she looked into my eyes and must have recognized me as the crazy lady from the year before that actually tried to give her food-you could see the recognition cross her face. She immediately turned and ran, screaming in the other direction.