Ramblings Of A Mixed Up Mama: Faith

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Faith

**Warning-raw emotional post ahead**

I miss my faith. Let me rephrase that-I miss being active in my faith. I certainly still have a relationship with God but I don't have a relationship with a church. When all of the mess took place at the last job I was an employee at I was crushed. Crushed because the person that caused all of the ick proclaimed to be a man of faith. Then I watched him do and say things in a manner that were certainly not Christ like. Fast forward a year and a half and over the course of this time span I have been hit again-with people that profess to love God, to claim to be Christians-only to act in devious, dark ways. And it has left me broken.

I used to be active in my church-then we stopped going. And you know what-we never got a phone call from anyone at the church wondering if we were okay, asking how things were with our family-nothing.

I happened to run into my old pastor at the grocery store the other day-he asked when we were going to come back to church then the next sentence out of his mouth was-if we don't start getting people to come back to church we will have to close our doors by spring, we need money. Ummm, I'm thinking you probably won't see me back in the pews of your church any time soon.

I took Dreamsicle to a new church last Sunday. I don't want her growing up without a church family-I used to be the youth leader of my old church for pete's sake! I have done nothing to introduce Christ to her. That became very apparent when she saw a picture of Jesus and asked me who that guy was. That was my wake up call.

If you read this blog and you are a Christian-please pray for me, for my family-that we find our way back. And in the process of finding our way back, that we are protected from the falsehoods that have been following us.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: I understand this SO much, I truly do. That feeling of "loosing your religion". The people I trusted most in my life, who hurt me the most - were all good "Christians". They were the most unChrist like people I've ever known. Sending love your way :)
If you want to talk - email me, Darlin'!; 3:44 PM
Susan said...: I adore you with every fiber of my being.

I've been there. I am there. I don't want to be here anymore. We're working on that same thing at Chateau L. Olivia goes to a Christian school and is learning about Christ and comes home proudly reciting her Bible versus. I don't like she's learning more of it from them than she is me. We're restructuring 'round these parts.

Lots of love from the Old North State right straight to the Mitten State.; 10:01 PM
Milo said...: You just have this way of hitting home with me...maybe it's because you're a mother figure in my life. I don't know...

I understand where you are coming from along with my family. I know you probably don't want a story, but I dunno, guess I kinda feel like I should spill (there's really gonna be 2 stories here).

I'll bore you with the first. My family has been going to the same church since I can remember, the Methodist church in White Cloud. My grandparents (dad's parents) have always been extremely active. My grandma was choir leader, did special music, played the piano, ran the children's Christmas concerts and did Sunday School music among other things I've been unaware of. My grandpa had a key to the building and would go to the church whenever anything was broken. Probably 2 and a half years ago this new couple, "The Mickeys" (fake name however very funny alternative when I tell you in person what their real last name was). All of the sudden my family's role in the church was forcefully being pushed to the side, because myself and my parents were also very active. It got to the point where my grandmother quit being the choir leader along with her other various jobs and we knew it was all over when my grandpa handed back his key to the church. And ultimately, our pew was empty most Sunday's. But, earlier this summer the Mickey's just up and left the church leaving their jobs open. My family was quite elated to say the least because our pastor's sermons revolved around how the church family needed to be one, never anything else. But now everything revolved around money just as your former pastor commented. Last weekend when I had work off I was so excited to go to church for the first time since June. But my mom advised me not to go because it started at 11 and was completely focused on our offerings to the church. I find that a little ridiculous....

I can't lie, the faith your whole family has amazes me. I've never thought less of you for not attending a church because it's evident when being around you enough how strong of a relationship you have with God. I wish I had that.

The strongest point of my relationship with God was probably in 8th grade, prior and after my confirmation to the Church. But, something happened in my life between 8th grade and 9th grade that cause me to believe that I wasn't worthy of His love (I'm really not making this up; I thought about this as a 13 year old :) hah) so I walked away. And I haven't been able to figure out how to walk back. Well, that's a lie. I haven't figured out how to walk back for good, I'm very good at walking back when I need Him. I suppose most humans are. It's horrible. It seems the worse my relationship gets with Him, the more severe the bad events in my life are.

I guess I kinda lost where I'm going...sorry if you read all of it and it made no sense. I just needed to tell someone I suppose. And I like to think it always helps hearing of other people's similar stories.

Don't worry. Youl'll figure it out, you know what you're doing :); 10:35 AM