This Mom's Heart

I have so many posts sitting in "draft" status right now. I'm going through a rough time and can't seem to articulate what it is that I am feeling. But I'm going to try.

Chester is out on his longest mission yet. We have not heard from him for some time now and I am filled with anxiety. I long to hear his voice and know that he is okay. Not just physically but emotionally as well. He has done well so far but I feel deep within my very core that this mission is somehow different and I worry about the well-being of his heart. I worry about the well being of my heart~should his heart be breaking over there, I can only console from a distance. This separation is difficult and I ache for the day when he is back on US soil.

Dreamsicle's birthday is just days away now. I cannot stop thinking about her birth parents. I know that even after all of these years I still rejoice but also dread Chester and Angel Baby's birthday. I wonder if Dreamsicle's birth mom is counting the days until August 2nd like I do December 2nd. I wonder if she is remembering where she was, what she was doing as she prepared for the arrival of this baby. We will never know the circumstances surrounding her decision to abandon this precious girl of ours but based on what little information we have, I think it was a difficult decision for her. That's not something I will ever tell Dreamsicle because it is not based on fact. The truth is I will never have the answer for Dreamsicle but I think there will always be a sadness whether she verbalizes it or not as she gets older that she does not have that information. The big WHY? I'm sure that her birthday will always be a hard time for her. This little Dreamsicle the Tiny, the person McGyver and I so desperately want to protect and nurture and love, will undoubtedly wrestle with this sadness all on her own. We can be there to listen and comfort, but we can't own or take away her grief. I pray that the love we have for her is enough to help her get through it. This year I will cherish her birthday, not only because it is the first one we will celebrate as a family, but because it could quite possibly be the only one we will ever have that she will be able to enjoy without anything getting in the way of her happiness.