Caution: Thick Fog Ahead

Have you ever driven down an unfamiliar road at night when the fog is so thick that you can only see a few inches ahead of your car? The kind of fog that forces you to keep your lights on dim and to travel at a slower than normal rate of speed. The unfamiliarity of the road causes you to grip the steering wheel tighter than normal, to hope that you really are staying on the road and not veering off into a field, a ditch... the other lane. When traveling on this type of night you are forced to concentrate only on your driving, all other thoughts must be pushed away. You look at your clock and can't believe that only minutes have passed since you last checked the time when it feels like you have been traveling for hours due to the stress of the situation.
That's where I am at right now with this adoption. The CCAA has been pretty consistent in issuing referrals 6-7 months after your Log In Date (LID). Until now. We just got an email update from our adoption agency telling us that they are revising the timeline. They are lengthening the estimated time between LID and referral. No one knows for sure why the sudden slow down has occurred, at least no one is sharing the information if they do know. We were expecting our referral in December, January at the latest. It now looks like it will be February, possibly March. The time from referral to travel has lengthened as well. To say that I am devastated right now would be the understatement of the century.
I feel like I really am driving down a road completely blanketed in fog. I can't see forward, the fog is too thick. My lights are on dim and still our movement forward is minimal. What lies ahead is unknown because I can't see through the fog.
Please don't email me and remind me that this will happen when it is supposed to happen, that others have had to wait longer (when China first opened to international adoption, during the SARS stage, etc.) All of those slow downs had reasons behind them. This one doesn't. Our agency is only going to receive referrals for those people with Log In Dates through March. We now have to wait for everyone with LID's in April, May and the first half of June to receive their referrals before it is our turn. I never would have imagined that we very well could be waiting until next Spring to meet Dreamsicle. My heart is aching.

Happy Anniversary McGyver

Today is my anniversary. McGyver and I have been married for 21 years. As I have said in the past, he truly is my best friend. I thought it would be a good time to recount how we came to be Mr & Mrs McGyver because it always makes me smile when I think about how we started...

McGyver and I have known each other our entire lives. We were in the same kindergarten class, lived just a few miles apart and became extremely close as we grew up. My dad considered him to be his second son long before we even thought of getting together as a couple. I would set McGyver up on dates with my friends through out high school and he was the one that I always ran to when some smelly boy broke my heart.

After I graduated I left our small town for the big city and college. Soon after arriving at college I realized that the one person I missed more than (gasp) my boyfriend at the time was my best friend McGyver! I would call him in the middle of the night and cry about the unfairness of not being able to talk to him like I used to. I missed him. His emotional stability, his physical presence, everything. He came to see me at college one weekend and when I saw him standing there at my door, I began crying and realized that I loved him. I mean really, really loved him. As I poured my heart out to him about my feelings he gathered me up in his arms and said it was about time that I came to my senses, he had been waiting his whole life for me to realize it.

He then went away to the Marine Corps and after having been in the Corps for almost a year we couldn't stand being so far away from each other and decided to get married.

We got married 21 years ago today. My heart still skips a beat when he walks into the room, he still provides me with his emotional stability and his unending love and I am so blessed to have this man in my life. I love you McGyver. Thanks for the memories.

Brag Time

Quick Post-Just want to let all of the fam know what's happening...

I need to introduce two more people into our cast of characters-

U*Haul's girlfriend will be known as Pixie (she's just the cutest, teeniest, tiniest little thing you would ever want to see). U*Haul and Pixie have dated since their freshman year. It has been such a privilege to watch these two grow together. Since Pixie has been such a part of our lives for so long we celebrate her victories and mourn her losses just as we would one of our boys. So-Pixie is a cheerleader (of course) and her squad took first place at their cheer competition on Saturday-way to go Pixie!

But wait there's more-U*Haul got word last night that he was named to the All Conference Team for football!!!

Chester's girlfriend will be known as Princess-(she has the keychain to prove it) and is just an adorable, sweet, thing. Princess and Chester were best friends during high school, it wasn't until they both graduated that they realized their was something stronger than friendship in their relationship (sounds alot like McGyver and me but I'll post about that tomorrow)

Princess got a letter from Chester that said that his platoon is currently the Honor Platoon!! This is a big deal in recruit life-it means that your platoon is the best and it is something that they will have to fight to keep for the rest of boot camp. Way to go Chester!

I came into work today and there was an Asian Cabbage Patch Baby waiting for me from some of the people that I work with. Sweet little things, I really am blessed.

Misc. Ramblings

I just returned from San Diego, had a great time but so many funny things happened on this trip that I just had to share...
On my first night in San Diego I was walking down the street when someone literally came running up to me, threw her arms around me, squealing"Mary, OMG, I haven't seen you in forever-why didn't you tell me you were coming to this conference?" after disentangling myself from her grasp-I looked her in the eye and a look of sheer horror washed over her face as she realized that I wasn't Mary.
I was window shopping and had a bird poop in my hair-okay so that part was gross- but when I realized that I was running down the street trying to get back to my hotel as quickly as possible while muttering to myself about how gross this was I was bent over and running sideways I cracked myself up.
I broke the heel off of one of my shoes walking to the conference while crossing a train track and had to limp back to the hotel
The woman and man seated in front of me on the plane had their headphones turned up so loud that they had no idea they were speaking to each other loud enough for the entire plane to hear them, and oh what a conversation it was! Apparently they had not seen each other for a while, let's just leave it at that

The conversation I got into at lunch one day with some other conference attendees about the craziest things that had happened to them while at work-let me just share a few...

One woman had an employee bring in the entire tank of her toilet to show off how she had country painted it
Another one rounded the corner of a row of cubicles after she heard dogs barking-her employee had set up a child's play fence and had 3 puppies in the middle-she just couldn't leave them at home by themselves.
Yet another opened up the coat closet to go home, only to find one of her employees slumbering peacefully on a bed of coats

Fun, fun, fun time

Tidbits

I have done much whining on this blog, and I am sure much more will occur in the future, but today I'm blogging about good stuff.

Chester called Thursday night! Totally unexpected but so, so heartwarming. He sounds good (when he was little he used to have a raspy voice which would melt my heart, he sounds like that right now only deeper voiced) He is handling boot camp very well, said it is not as hard as he had expected. He will be up at Camp Pendleton for the next four weeks so we will not hear from him very often but that one phone call will take me through two weeks I am sure! I am heading out to San Diego tomorrow for a week so I am glad he is further up the coast now so any stalking tendencies that I had in the past are far gone from my mind (in a previous post I had made the decision to attend the conference in Florida instead of California but it was sold out so it is off to San Diego).

When I picked up the mail on Friday we had a letter from waiting for us as well! So one phone call and one letter in the same week makes for a very happy mama!

Friday night U*Haul had a football game. Not just any football game but the game that would decide whether or not his varsity team would make the play offs. THEY WON! So for the first time since 1997 our football team will be in the play offs for high school football. He had a fantastic game, I could watch that kid play ball all day long. It was bittersweet to watch though. Last night's game was the last home game for the graduating seniors and watching those boys take their final walk across their home football field was pretty emotional.

Good things all around.

Update on Chester

As many of you know, I have been feeling pretty blue about the lack of communication we have had with Chester. We received another letter yesterday which brought the total number of letters we have received from him since 9-11-05 to three. It has been hard knowing that the other moms who I have been in contact with who have sons in the same company as Chester have received 8-10 letters. Well, the mystery has been solved. Mr. Social Director of the Year has been unable to write to his momma because he is writing to all of his friends! I am actually okay with this. They have begun to let me know that they are hearing from him and he sounds great. If he is comfortable enough to write letters to his peeps and doesn't need to cry to his momma then I should probably stop worrying about his emotional health and relax. Letting go is tough stuff but I'm learning.

Referral Time Again

Every month I anxiously wait for the referral information to begin pouring in on the adoption sites. I do this for two reasons:
1. Because I must do my part to keep Kleenex in business. Every time I read about people receiving their referrals I cry. People post the most incredibly sweet announcements about their babies and sometimes include pictures. This gives me goose bumps every single month and makes me burst into tears. It really helps keep me moving forward knowing that each month brings us a step closer to Dreamsicle.
2. To torture myself. No really. I mean it. It looks like this latest batch of referrals only goes through the middle of March. We are getting very close to referral since we have a LID of June 20th. BUT-this latest batch of referrals has me more than a little worried. If you calculate what the referrals will look like for November then December based on what happened this month we will not receive our referral until January. I know that this will happen when it is supposed to happen. I know that if there is a delay there is a reason but right now I'm just sad. Blech. Makes me want to cry. But not for the same reason as reason #1.

In other news....
I went to DC on business last week for four days then added a four day trip to New York City for pleasure onto the back of it. I met up with my friend from Savannah Georgia and we had a fantabulous time! She visits NYC often so she was the perfect tour guide. We saw the musical Wicked which I loved. We shopped and ate and walked all over the city, just had a blast. I bought many pair of cute shoes but I do have to say that I am most impressed with you New York women. How ya'll can run around all day long in high heels and still have feet left is beyond me. Don't get me wrong-everyone looks fantastic but I tried to be cool for one evening by wearing my brand new pair of high heel shoes to dinner. By the time we were walking back to the hotel I was begging for a taxi! You guys rock. This midwest girl had to go back to her flats and will gently break all of her shoes in over time.

Yeah!

I am out of town on business for the week, received a call from U*Haul wanting to know if he could OPEN THE LETTER from CHESTER that came in the mail yesterday and read it to me. That's right-the LETTER FROM CHESTER finally came!! He hasn't lost his sense of humor and sounded like things were going as well as could be expected at this point.

My heart can start beating at a normal pace now, my son is doing just fine.

McGyver To The Rescue

Yesterday I had myself convinced that we would get the infamous first letter from Chester. In all of the material that the Marine Corps gave us and on all of the message boards I am now part of the prevailing thought is that the recruits will send the first letter out on the second Sunday of their boot camp and to plan on getting that letter and all letters after that on the Thursday of that week. Are you following me?
I drove like a crazy woman all of the way home. Small children and puppies were quaking in fear as I raced past them in my eagerness to get to my mailbox. I opened my mailbox expecting sunshine and music to come out of it as I pawed through all things non important in my quest for THE LETTER. The only things in there were bills and about 67 gazillion college information packets for U*Haul. No letter, no postcard, nada, zero, zilch from Chester.

I lost it driving up the driveway, stepped out of my car and into McGyver's big old arms crying the entire time. I told him that we still did not have a letter from Chester, he calmly tells me to "get the recruiter's number". I go into the house rummage through Chester's room to find the business card with the number, bring it and the phone back outside to McGyver who quickly gets the recruiter on the phone and the conversation goes something like this...
McGyver-Wife did not receive letter from Chester today as anticipated, would like his address
Recruiter-it typically takes a week to get there Mr McGyver.
McGyver-it is closing in on two weeks and I know you are not trying to tell me that the United States Marine Corps has lost my son are you?
Recruiter-No sir we know right where he is
McGyver-Good, then I expect Mrs. McGyver will know right where to mail the stack of 10 letters that is piling up on my bar in a matter of hours correct?
Recruiter-I will see what I can do
McGyver-I would appreciate that-Mrs. McGyver takes her letter writing seriously and I know other recruits were successful in reaching their families last Wednesday and those families have begun to send letters to their recruits already, we can't have Mrs. McGyver feel like she is not doing her job in supporting Chester now can we?

Two Hours Later-the telephone rings and I have Chester's address.

*Sigh* I love my McGyver

Cast of Characters

I've been thinking for a while of changing the way I refer to everyone in my family. Going by the first letter of their name is pretty boring. Soooo I am going to change all of that now. I need to get out of my funk of missing W so here goes-let's have some fun.

L will be forever known as McGyver (refer to previous threads if you don't know why)

J our oldest son will be called X-boy (for his love of all things computer game related)

W our middle son will go by the name of Chester (the Marine Corps bulldog is known as Chesty but I don't get a visual image of a bulldog whenever I write that so I'm changing it to a more masculine Chester)

D our youngest son will be referred to as U*Haul (D is very active in sports and tends to run on the slow side-over the years he has had more than one coach tell him that he runs like he is pulling a trailer)

Koli will be lovingly called Dreamsicle (one of my best friends always refers to her that way and it has started to stick).

Anyway-still no word from Chester but I think we will get a post card this Thursday and will be able to send the entire stack of letters that is piling up on Friday.

Today is the half way mark of waiting for our referral for Dreamsicle!

X*Boy has a house of his own but has decided to stay with us for a few weeks. I am so happy about this. I miss him even though he only lives 3 miles away from us and it has been so nice reconnecting with him.

U*Haul has been having an excellent football season so far and it has been a pleasure to watch him.

Due to some recent events here in blogland it has got me thinking about the nature of my blog. This blog definately started out as a vehicle to keep our family and friends updated on the adoption process but somewhere along the line it became more of a way for me to communicate with everyone about our entire family, not just the adoption process. Let's face it-there isn't a whole lot to write about during this 6 month waiting period of the adoption. This blog would have dried up and blown away by the time I would have had anything to report on the adoption front. So this is still a vehicle for our family and friends to stay connected, it has just morphed into something larger. Luckily my little blog is still primarily visited by people I know so I haven't had to deal with negative comments from people I don't know, but if you are just stopping by for a visit-welcome! Stop by anytime, just be nice.

Anxious

I'm normally a pretty level headed person but today I am filled with anxiety. When you first get to boot camp you are usually allowed one phone call to let your family know that you arrived safely and to give your loved ones your address where they can begin to send letters. We missed that call, it came during the middle of the day and both L and I were working. They have to call collect so W was not able to leave the information on the answering machine. We are holding out hope that maybe his Drill Instructor will show some compassion and allow those that were unable to reach someone to try again today since it is Sunday but know that the possibility of this happening is very slim. If we do not receive a call today we should receive a post card sometime next week or the week after which will have his address on it.

Most of the time I like to be as informed as possible about anything relating to my family but this is one time that I wish L would not have told me the truth. Having been in the Marine Corps he can tell me the types of things that W is experiencing which normally I would consider a blessing but not about this. I made the mistake of asking L about how W not being able to contact us would make him feel-L was very honest as normal and said one word "devastated". Devastated is filling me with anxiety. When I play this out I can see what he means-those that were able to give their families their address will receive mail two weeks before those that were unable to connect. Ugghhh. Right now at the beginning of this 13 week journey for W is when he needs our support the most and we are unable to give it to him. It. Breaks. My. Heart. I know that he is a man and in the grand scheme of things this is a small set back but right now it feels pretty large.

On a good note-Tuesday will mark the half way point of the "big wait" for our referral and today I was able to purchase Sonia Lee for half price.

Achey Breaky Heart

Today I am a jumble of emotions. We had to take W to the hotel where he would spend the night before winging his way across the country to start boot camp this weekend.

I am not sure how to describe how I feel. L and I were dating when he left for boot camp and I (foolishly) expected to feel many of the same emotions that I felt saying goodbye to L all those years ago as I said goodbye to my son. Boy was I wrong. I certainly felt a tug on the ole' heart strings when L left but this weekend I felt like the ole' heart strings had been pulled together and tied into a knot, which left me little room to breathe inside my chest. This kid has such a strong spirit that you can literally feel him enter a room before you see him. People want to be around him. He is funny, kind, and as I have said before on this blog-unwavering in his decision of his career path. But I am sad. Coming home after leaving him I spent some time in his room-breathing in his scent from his pillow, trying to feel him. I know that we have done a good job in raising him. I know that he is following his dream and tried desperately not to lose my composure in front of him. Because even in the midst of my sadness, my motherly selfishness at not having my son sleeping in his bed tonight, I am proud.

Proud of the choices that he has made in his life up to this point. Proud of his love for his family and his country. And I feel heart swelling pride to soon be able to call my son a United States Marine.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my birthday! It was a terrific day. I was surprised with cake (with candles)and ice cream, gifts from my staff at work, had a long lunch with one of the other adoptive mom's who will most likely be traveling with us to China, and had a nice dinner out with L. As a birthday present to myself I finally registered at Babies R Us for the things we need for Koli. It has been a terrific day and I am so blessed to have the family that I have.

Redneck Camping

This weekend was spent at home. L wanted to start readying the truck camper for his and our oldest son J's upcoming hunting trip. As I looked at the truck camper, it got me thinking of the last trip that involved me actually inside that camper. A few years ago L decided that rather than pull our 5th wheel down to Texas to visit his father for a vacation, we would simply take his truck camper to allow for more people to be able to help drive. Not only did the 5 of us make the trip (me and L and our 3 sons) but L's sister came along as well. We have a single cab truck so at any given time there were 4 people in the truck camper.

We were heading down to spend Christmas with my father in law and happened to pick the evening of my company Christmas party to leave. We came up with the plan that L and I would attend my party and his sister S would meet us outside of the entertainment complex at a pre determined time with the truck and camper and we would leave from there. My Christmas party is always held at a very swanky venue which causes us to have to dress up for the event. As the time drew near for us to leave, many of the people that work with me started looking out the windows, watching for the Clampett mobile to pull up and for us to make our exit. L's sister called us on our cell phone to tell us that she was getting close, we made our get away just as she was pulling into a no parking spot. We both quickly jumped into the truck, sister in law jumped in the back with the boys (in the camper)and took off. Because of how I was dressed I was forced to change out of my Holiday outfit into my sweats in the cab of the truck. This led to a few truckers having a show they didn't bargain for as I wrestled out of a cocktail dress and nylons and into my sweat suit but I decided to make myself feel better by reminding myself that I would never see them again (that is until we stopped for gas and one of the trucks pulled into the same station).

Over the course of the next 26 hours we all took turns driving or riding in the front or sleeping/watching movies in the camper. It was during my last turn to be up in the bed above the cab of the truck that trouble struck. As I was drifting off to sleep, I suddenly started hearing the distinct sound of metal pinging against metal. I asked the boys who all happened to be in the back with me if they heard the noise and they all said no. After many sessions of "shushing" to get them to really listen they all agreed that something sounded kind of strange. We had two way radios both in the cab of the truck and in the camper so I two wayed L to let him know of my growing concern for the funny "pinging" noise that I was hearing. By this time it was raining quite hard outside and he convinced me that what I was hearing was hail hitting the camper roof. I wasn't completely convinced and jokingly told the boys that if the front of the camper came off to make sure they grabbed their Momma by the foot before she rolled onto the hood of the truck. We all laughed and shortly after that arrived at my father in laws home. It was nearly midnight so we just grabbed our gear and headed into his home to sleep for the night.

In the morning we got up to go to breakfast and planned on taking our truck so that we could all ride together. When we approached the truck we quickly realized that the ping, ping, ping I had heard for the last 4 hours of our trip was actually the rivets popping out of the metal in the top of the camper!

At this point I was fairly convinced that the boys and I would be making our way home on an airplane while L and his sister would drive the truck home since there was no way we could ride back there. Well, my Mr. McGyver had a different idea. McGyver and McGyver Senior (his dad) put their heads together, shoo'ed us all away for a few hours and "fixed" the camper. We returned to find a 2x4 drilled into the bottom of the camper that rests on the truck cab, metal strips climbing up each side of the front of the camper that were riveted into the sides of the camper to hold it and another 2x4 on the top of the camper that had the ends of the metal riveted into it for support. If I ever get my pictures to upload onto this site I will post a pic for your viewing pleasure.

Imagine traveling half way across the country to get back home in this contraption. It stayed together-although I refused to allow anyone to ride up in the top bed of the camper all the way home. We received many honks, witnessed carloads of people in hysterical laughing fits as they drove by us and watched one car almost get into an accident as the driver craned his neck too far trying to watch us instead of the road.

That was my one and only time of Redneck camping, next time we want to make that trip-I think I'll fly.

I have, have you?

Shortly after my father passed away a year ago, my Mom's house burned. To. The. Ground. This house was my childhood home. The only place I had ever known to call home, the place that carried all of the memories of our family. All of that was lost one sunny summer afternoon. The feelings of despair and unrest that coursed through my body as we sorted through the rubble are surfacing again as I watch the devastation that has happened along the coast. My mom lost her home and most of her belongings, but we knew she would survive. She immediately moved in with us, we were able to provide her with shelter and food and comfort and most importantly, hope. We were able to begin making plans to rebuild her home, her life, her future within a very short time. She still had the land on which her house had stood. Her well was still good and she had her family.

There are so many people, so many families, that have lost their homes, their memories, their loved ones over the course of the last week. Uncertain futures, pleading for food and water, grieving over their losses. Imagine that feeling folks. When you are finished imagining what that must feel like, do something.

Please Give-give until it hurts. Please. I have-have you?

REDCROSS.ORG

Happy Birthday L!

Today is the day of the birth of my soulmate-L. I love this man so much it makes my heart hurt. In honor of his birthday, I thought it would be appropriate to list some of the things that I love about him.

1. He could give McGyver a run for his money. Seriously. Give this man a bobby pin and a stick of chewing gum and he can fix anything.

2. He is the most down to earth man I have ever met. Material things do not matter to him, nor do they impress him.

3. He works out regularly and has huge arms. When he wraps me up in his arms there is no where else in the world I would rather be. (one exception might be when he wraps me up in those arms and he is wearing a tank top and has just worked out and my nose is stuck in his pit but you get the idea)

4. He loves unconditionally.

5. He has a quick wit.

6. He is honest and has been a terrific role model for our sons.

7. He is happiest when he is with his family.

8. He has a huge heart for people who are hurting.

9. He sings to me while we are riding in his truck.

10. He balances me out. He's calm and level headed and the best thing that ever happened to me.

Happy Birthday Babe-I love you!

Two Down

August 20th marked month two of our (hopefully) 6 month wait until referral. Some days I think the time is flying by and other days I feel as if I am just hanging on by my finger nails. We haven't begun to purchase anything for our trip yet and have not started on her room. I have been filling the time with purchasing clothing but I really don't want to overshadow this important time in W's life by focusing on Koli rather than on him.

I had a heart to heart with W the other day and he really wants us to keep his room in tact. It is important to him so I will leave his room as is and we will move the office-making that Koli's room instead. Once W leaves for boot camp we will begin the process of transforming the office back into a bedroom and I am sure that will help pass the time and make me feel as if we are moving forward. I read alot of blogs written by my fellow adoptive moms. Some have already made the trip, some are currently traveling and others are in the big wait stage just like us. Almost all of them comment on how much they are preparing for their travels months ahead of time. I feel like I should be doing something, I just don't know what that is.

Story Problem

S gets up in the morning, late due to the power going out because of a rain storm. She quickly showers and dresses in her way too cute for words pink pants, slips on her sassy pink sandals and runs out the door. As S is running to her car over her mud soaked driveway her sassy pink sandals slide causing S to fall down. What does S do?

She has to go back into the house to change, because she is late she throws on the first thing she can get her hands on which happens to be the colors of black and gray. Kind of like her mood today. Ugh.

Redneck Yachtclub Rules

The top 10 rules I think are important for any potential yachtclub member to agree to are as follows:

1. I will agree to have a doggy life jacket on board my floating play pen before my Rottweiler decides to jump off the boat in 30 feet of water just in case he figures out that he can't swim.
2. I will agree to always remember to bring the tongs home that were utilized to flip food on the on-board grill to wash-just in case visitors to the floating play pen think "a little dirt never hurt nothin'".
3. I will agree to hunt down any other boaters who happen to have "found" a neon blue bouy with the last name of H written on it.
4. I will agree to always make sure that there is extra gas on board just in case a "short ride' turns into an all day event.
5. I will agree to be very careful before stepping foot on the floating playpen when husband is pushing water off of the canopy after a rain to ensure my not getting drenched by said water when it comes flying off of the top of the canopy and down my shirt.
6. I will agree to never, ever, ever park at the dock that the H's have rented for the summer, even if said slip happens to be empty at that moment and is located at a store and you just need to "run up and get supplies but will only take a minute" when the H's return to dock their boat.
7. I will promise to always pick up the poo left by my dog when I let him run down by the water so that no one steps in it when returning to the dock after dark and suddenly feels a squish.
8. I will agree to always empty the on-board port a potty after every trip.
9. I will agree to always have a cooler full of my very own favorite beverages located on my own boat before I tie up with the floating play pen (this rule does not apply to Koli's favorite aunt).
10. I will agree to always try to assist S in her efforts to wrestle the Jumbo Size Air Horn Can away from L whenever possible.

No Stalker Mom

The dilemna has been solved-I will be attending my conference in Orlando where I will happily stalk the mouse. When L found out that I was considering attending the conference in San Diego he about had a heart attack. I think he had visions of me schleping a lawn chair and cooler half way across the country to set up W watch 2005. So there will be no stalker mom in San Diego, the Marine recruits can rest easy now I am sure.

We will be holding W's going away party the last weekend of August so if your in my 'hood, stop by-lots of food and fun to be found.

Thanks to another blogger who is waiting to adopt her daughter from China, I have become obsessed with baby shoes. Shoes were not on my radar of things to purchase yet but after reading her question about shoes on one of my previous posts I set out to see just what is available in the world of little girl shoes. Oh My Heavens! I am currently in the process of attempting to purchase shoes to match the outfits I had already purchased for Koli. Once I started buying shoes I realized that care had to be taken to find the perfect tights to match the shoes for those outfits that are appropriate for the cold weather months. Speaking of cold weather months-holy cute boots! I picked up a pair of faux Ug*gs that are pink and absolutely adorable. I am having a little problem figuring out what size of shoes to buy but I'm sure with a little practice this will get better.

I'm going through another cycle of "CAA". CAA stands for Cry At Anything. Sappy commercial? Turn on the water works! Hug my boys? Use a box of Kleenex! I'm not sure what is happening but ever since we made the decision to adopt I'm going through these emotional cycles that come out of nowhere and tend to freak my family out. Which is kind of fun in a sick sort of way. Might as well keep them on their toes, huh?

This and That

So have I gushed lately about how super cool my family is? I got home today and found a large box in my mailbox. My cool cat cousin and her husband had sent us a Chinese book and CD's to help us learn Koli's language! How very, very thoughtful. We are thrilled! I have already popped the first CD in and am going to put these in my car so that I can have a solid 2 hours per day of uninterrupted learning time as I travel back and forth to work.

It is official...I am beginning to look like An*dy Roo*ney. I have cancelled my hair appt three times now which also means that my eyebrows have not been waxed like they should be. I don't tweeze my own eyebrows, I'm very dangerous with a pair of tweezers-I tend to get one brow looking nice and the other will become non existent as I struggle to get it to match the first brow. So I have learned to leave my eyebrow grooming to the professionals, except when I get so busy at work that I can't seem to keep my appts. Then I start looking like An*dy. Not such a becoming look on a female.

I have a dilemna. I need to attend a conference this fall as I am pursuiting an additional certification for my job. I have the option of going to Orlando where the conference will be held at a Disney resort (can you say "Disney Freak"?) I love that place. I also have the option of attending the conference in San Diego. Yes that's right, San Diego. The same place where W will be since he will still be in boot camp at the time of this conference. Did I happen to mention that the conference is about 3-4 blocks away from the boot camp training thingy? I know that there will be 100's of bald headed Marines but there is a chain link fence that divides the street from a part of the base. Although the chance is slim, there is still the possibility that I could spot him. We have a very common last name but nobody runs like my W so I'm sure I could spot him if he was running in the vicinity of the chain link fence with his last name stenciled on the back of his shirt. I know I would not be able to speak to him or call attention to him but I just might see him. So what would you do-attend the conference in Florida that is being held at one of my favorite places in the world or attend the conference in San Diego with the hope that by walking by the base a couple of 100 times a day I could perhaps catch a glimpse of my son?

Somebody Stop Me!

My name is S and I am a shopaholic. I have this problem that consists of not being able to walk by a children's store without being drawn in by some unknown force. Before I know it, I have an armload of girl clothes at the check out register and am happily swiping my debit card and entering in my pin #. I only have one problem. Koli doesn't have a room yet. So I have bags and bags of adorable girl clothes that are threatening to take over L's office. So much for hiding my addiction from my husband. We plan on turning W's room into Koli's bedroom once he leaves for boot camp but until then the bags keep piling up. I keep telling myself to at least wait until I have space to hang them up but that magnetic force keeps drawing me back in. Anyone want to come with me and see if you can cure my addiction?

Whoo*zits and What*zits

I had decided that when we travel to pick up Koli, I wanted to purchase a wrap or pouch to carry her around in. I'm all about making sure that our precious girl bonds with us so thought that having some skin to skin contact would encourage that rather than simply placing her in a stroller. I purchased two different types of hip slings/wraps/pouches to try to see which one was the most comfortable. Heaven help me. After taking the first item out of the box, I decided that it would not be necessary for me to read the instructions. After all, how hard could it be to take a piece of material and two rings and form an opening that would fit my pretend child? I had purchased a 20 pound bag of rice as a stand in for Koli. In real life I am on the growth stunted side. I had purchased the "medium" size wrap since it states that most people fit into the medium category and there is a large difference in vertical between me and L. So my thinking was to buy the medium than we could both use it. After last night I see the error of my ways. The piece of fabric could have wrapped me up in it 3 times, come to think of it, I think it did wrap me up 3 times. I was in the comfort of my own home, by myself, and almost had to dial the emergency number for help. I began by wrapping the fabric around my body, thinking that I would then somehow pull it up to my waist and then attach the rings. All fine and good except that I wrapped on of my arms inside the fabric, twice. After doing a little twirly dance number to extract my body from the fabric I tried again, remembering this time to keep both hands free from the wrapping process at all times. I was a little more successful on this attempt and actually managed to pull the yards and yards of fabric up to my waist this time. Only then I realized that I did not have the little ring-y things in my hand. So I had to walk to the kitchen table, reach out to grab the ring-y things and then try to somehow connect them near my shoulder. While using both hands to try to connect the ring-y things I let go of the fabric in the wrong place and the sling once again looked like a dress. Now armed with the ring-y things, I pulled the fabric up once again, kept my hands positioned where they needed to be and somewhat successfully attached the ring-y things. I then proceeded to place ever so lovingly into this pouch my 20 pound bag of rice. That would be the 20 pound bag of rice that somehow popped a hole in its bag and began leeking all over the floor before I realized that my load was not simply getting lighter because I was getting used to it but because approximately 5 pounds of rice was now spread out on my floor. Tonight, I try the other one.

Sweet Dreams

I keep having this dream night after night. In my dream I can see the outline of Koli. She is about a year old with dark hair that is in pig tails. I can see that she has a round face and is wearing an impish grin but the rest of her features are fuzzy. She reaches out to me and calls me Mama. I am so happy and content as I reach down and pick her up, snuggling with her on my shoulder. I inhale deeply and smell baby lotion. So that is my new obsession-baby lotion. I purchased a large bottle of it recently, not to wear but just to open and smell. Every time I smell it I am reminded of my dream and I just close my eyes and relive the scene.

Today was referral day-not for me but for some fellow bloggers that I am getting to know. One family in particular has touched me from the very beginning. I won't link to their blog without their permission but they have the most amazing video of her referral phone call. I sat watching that video with tears literally streaming down my cheeks. Congratulations K & S-I am sure you will be amazing parents! Watching that video made everything that much more real for me. Seeing K's hands visibly shaking as she fumbles for something to write with, hearing the unsteady tone of her voice which was filled with such excitement and anticipation, I can so relate to that. I placed a pen and pad of paper in my glove box after watching her because I am prone to moments like that. In my case our referral call will probably come just before I hit a dead spot on my way home from work with my cell phone. I can see it now-congratulation L & S you have been referred a .......
Maybe I will have to tote around my bottle of baby lotion when our turn comes around, so that if the cell phone isn't in range I can just open it and smell.

Oh Happy Days!

Last week was such a terrific week. Not only were we notified of our Log In Date, but the infamous Brown Envelope appeared in my mailbox on Saturday! That's right ladies and gentleman, the H family actually received the brown envelope! It really is a relief to know that not only does the Chinese government know about us but the American Consulate does as well. All is right in my world at the moment.

My Mom dropped by on Saturday and gave me a gift. She had purchased a beautifully illustrated childrens book on adoption. The author was present at the festival that she was at so she was able to get this book signed. It brought tears to my eyes when I read the book. My Mom and I just stood there for a few minutes, both misty eyed after I was done. The book was great and I love my Mom so much for taking the care to purchase this. I have to send a big shout out to one of my best friends in the whole wide world-T-. T ran into my Mom at the festival and pointed the book out. It just gives me such a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that not only is my family excited about Koli but that my friends are too.

We Are Expecting!!

What a great day! I opened my email up this afternoon to find a message from our adoption agency. They had been notified of our Log In Date and it is June 20th! So let the official count down begin!! If everything stays the same we can expect to receive our referral in December. Oh happy day!! The best part is that we already have one month under our belt. Thank you Heavenly Father!!

Lucky Bamboo

Things seem to be so connected some days that it is really kind of scary. I received a piece of "Lucky Bamboo" from my staff last year as a gift. All year it has steadily grown and then all of a sudden it has just begun to take off. I kept the little tag attached to it and reread it this morning. This is what it says "We sincerely hope this gift of lucky bamboo will bring happiness and good fortune to you." Hmmm, our dossier is in China, meaning our precious Koli is one step closer to us and all of a sudden my bamboo is starting to look like the beanstalk from J*ack and the Beanstalk. I know, I know, cheesy but come on people-I'm looking for anything to make me feel like we are still forging ahead.

As I mentioned before we are planning on getting to know the other 5-6 couples in our area that are using the same adoption agency and were DTC the same date as us. I have talked with a couple of them and they have received their brown envelope. Of course we have not received ours because that is the way things go in the H household. The brown envelope is filled with important documents that are sent to you by the US Consulate in China. It contains things like Visa applications, etc. Receiving the brown envelope is like Christmas for some people (me being one of them). I would race to the mailbox every day waiting for it then I found out the other people in our travel group have already received theirs, which made me feel like I was the kid on Christmas morning that received the lump of coal in her stocking. I have been assured by our adoption agency that not everyone receives the envelope and they have all of the necessary documents that are contained in the brown envelope at their office so not to worry. It's still a little disturbing to me but I am trying to focus on the positive. We still have not been notified of our LID (log in date) yet. This is the date that the Chinese government officially logs your dossier in to their system for processing. I don't expect to hear for another few weeks and keep telling myself that the longer it takes for me to hear, the less waiting time I will actually have left when I find out the date. It typically takes up to 14 days to be logged in so if that is the case we are looking at June 24th or somewhere close to that date as our LID. Which means that we will realistically not get our referral until January. I'm hoping for our referral in December but don't want to get myself into the lump of coal category again by setting myself up if it doesn't come by Christmas.
L made another trip to Cabela*s last week and came home with two very adorable outfits for Koli. Of course they are camo colored but they do have ruffles and bows so I'm happy, we are making progress.

Redneck Yachtclub Part Two

Oh what a weekend we had! I do not have the pic's ready to post yet but they are hilarious! When we pulled up to the island, everyone's mouth dropped open (in awe I'm sure). We headed out to the middle of the river to watch fire works, ended up tying up to three other boats and could not get rid of the river police. They kept circling our entourage dying of laughter. They wanted to know if they could use my port a potty (are they nuts?) and were completely dumbfounded by Koli's Favorite Aunt's lighting system. Her boat had PVC pipe that ended with an elbow attachment. On the elbow attachment they had placed a DISCO BALL!! It was attached to a battery so while the fire works were flying the Redneck Yachtclub was helping with the lighting from the DISCO BALL (very festive) and the Tiki Torches. Both of our boats had signs on them that said Redneck Yacht Klub established 2005. What a great time. After the fire works we pulled back into the cove at the island, set the tent up on the floating play pen, blew up our air mattress and settled in for some good sleep. The only problem with the good sleep theory was that we were right next to where the campfire was on shore. Fourth of July, an island, adult beverages, nice weather does not equal good sleep when you have a dozen people who can stay up all night celebrating! So we did the best we could trying to get sleep and spent the next day on the floating play pen just relaxing. We actually had two separate boats pull up next to us and ask how much the membership fee was to get into the "Klub". Stay tuned for pic's.

Redneck Yacht Club

I am back from Hawaii-had an absolutely fabulous time with my mom and the conference I attended was tremendous. In fact, the organization that sponsors this conference is going to make Maui the permanent meeting site! So once a year I will be able to go to Hawaii without alot of out of pocket expenses for me-Woo-Hoo!! We are already planning for next year's trip. I will be bringing the whole family and sure hope Koli can tolerate the long plane ride just a short time after we bring her home.

Now on to the topic of my heading. This weekend is Fourth of July. We recently purchased an old pontoon boat. We had a larger, nicer boat but L felt strongly that with Koli coming we needed to "right size" and purchase something that was more like a giant play pen. The boat is orange-not modern cool orange but circa 1970 shag carpet orange. It has brown indoor/outdoor carpet on it. We had to buy chairs to sit on so we searched and searched and finally had to settle on hunter green resin stackable chairs. Because it is close to the Fourth of July holiday most places that carry boat accessories are pretty low on supplies. We needed to have bouys to hang off the side of the boat. Could not find a white one to save our lives so we ended up with neon blue bouys. To add to the festivities L insisted on purchasing Tiki Torches for all four corners of the giant play pen. We have a tradition of pitching tents on an island friends of ours own for the weekend and watching the fire works off of our boat. L has decided that we do not need to pitch a tent on the island when we have the giant play pen. So we have purchased a tent that will fit on the deck of the boat and will be staying on board the ship. He also invested in the surround normally used for a solar shower which he has hung from the frame of the play pens canopy, thus giving me an instant bathroom with the port-a-potty safely tucked away inside the shower surround. He came up with the bright idea to permanently mount our charcoal grill to the front of the boat. Can anyone think of anything more redneck than our boat? I am going to try very hard to post a picture of the floating play pen sometime after the holiday. While searching for all of our classy accessories L spotted the teeniest tiniest life jacket that he begged to purchase for Koli. Very cute if you would like your daughter in camo color. I think not. So if anyone is on a certain large body of water that is really a river in Michigan and you see the floating play pen, give us a shout-we would love to meet you. Happy Holiday everyone!

Mean People Suck

Mean.People.Suck.

I am fairly new to this thing called the adoption community. Those of you that know me know that one thing I do well is research and plan. So although we have not been part of the adoption community for long I feel that I have done a fairly decent job of bringing myself and L up to speed on all of the important things regarding China and adoption. I am constantly amazed at the attitudes of other adoption community members. I used to be glued to the big board regarding China adoptions, now I can barely bring myself to view that board once a week. It is inexplicable to me how people who are traveling the same path can be so cruel and condescending to each other at times. I personally don't care if someone is searching for the perfect patriotic outfit to bring their new daughter home in. Doesn't matter to me. Not one iota. I don't care if they want their Coming Home Barbie or not. These things hold no relevance for me. That they are of importance to others is pretty evident on the big board. I try to live by the rule that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. There are obviously lots of people out there whose Mama's never taught them that rule. Why the need to put someone else down? Beginning this process of international adoption has forced me to really examine what is important to me and I can tell you that how someone else is going to dress their baby is not on my radar. I have been shocked on more than one occasion by the remarks people make to me when they find out we are adopting from China. I think that everyone who has made this decision has been faced with the same kinds of questions. Things like-Why do we feel the need to buy our baby? How come we are not strong enough parents to take in a foster child or two and adopt them? What's wrong with a good ole American baby? Normally I try to deflect the questions and move on. I'm not sure how I am going to react once we have Kolaina home and someone makes a racist remark. I hope that I can remain calm while letting the person know how out of line the comment is but I am afraid that the Mama Bear in me will rear her ugly head and leave the person asking the question realing. I don't want to be a mean person so just play nice okay?

Expectant Mother Parking

Since we have made our decision to adopt I feel out of sorts at times. In my mind, I am an expectant mother. I giggle when I pull into a parking lot and see the reserved parking spots for expectant mothers. I have such a desire to utilize one of those spaces but am such a rule follower that I will not do it. But why shouldn't I? Although my ankles are not swollen (let's not talk about my belly) I am technically an expectant mother am I not? I have begun to hang out in baby stores, searching for furniture, bedding, etc. It is almost as if I am invisible at times. Those women who are obviously expecting are swooped upon by the store employees. I can wander aimlessly for 30 minutes without anyone coming up to ask me anything more than if I need help accessing someone's baby registry. I often wonder how they cannot tell that I am an expectant mother from the excited glow my cheeks exude whenever I am near baby gear.

I'm makin' a blankie

I should 'fess up right from the get go that I have this wonderful dream of receiving squares of fabric from people all over the world that will be lovingly sewn together by hand by me as I gaze dreamily at the fabric I am handling, creating a quilt for my daughter. In all actuality what is going to happen is I am going to put a shameless plea out to everyone reading this blog to send me two squares of fabric (8 x 8) along with a 3 x 5 card that has your wish for Kolaina written on it (on the card, not the fabric) and I will beg my mom to make the quilt for me. I alluded to this quilt in a previous post but wanted to give everyone some history behind this desire to make this blanket. The quilt is commonly known as a 100 wishes quilt or a Bai Jia Bei. I was initially going to ask for one square of fabric with the wish written directly on the fabric but have since read other people's ideas on how they are putting their baby quilts together and really like some of them! So, if you could be so kind as to send two squares of fabric I will use one to make a square on the quilt and the other one will be attached to the wish that was written on the 3 x 5 card and stored in a box for Kolaina to be able to read the wishes and feel the fabrics of her quilt. It is my understanding that this tradition started in Northern China as a way of welcoming a new baby. So for those of you that lurk here and know my address or see me in real life, bring on the squares! For those of you that just read the blog, please email me at hll_sz@yahoo.com and I will give you the address to send the squares too. Don't worry Aunties, I have forwarned my mom. :) What would be really cool is if I could convince all of my cousins (and I have a couple of ultra hip chic's I am proud to be related to) to get together to have an old fashioned quilting bee-and yes right now my ultra cool chic cousins are spitting diet coke out of their noses at the thought while my other cousins who are the craftiest things this side of Martha Stewart are probably seriously considering the idea. Darling way cool big sister of mine, can you please send me a couple o'squares of one of Dad's flannel shirts? Koli has to have a part of Pa-pa in her blankie don't ya think?

I am a chatter box tonight. Did I tell ya'll that my 72 year old father in law wants to go to China with us? I think that is the coolest thing ever. I am leaving for Hawaii in three days with my mom. I'm so over the top excited about this-can anyone think of a better place to chill with your mama? I am very thankful that this summer will be busy. It will help pass the time while we are waiting for our referral. I will be traveling in a few days for a week, will be out of town the week after the fourth and once again in August. Once school is back in session it will be a whirlwind because it will be D's senior year and he plays football. So by the time football is done Thanksgiving will be right around the corner, then December will be upon us. December will see us heading out to San Diego to watch W graduate from Boot Camp and hopefully bring us good news in the form of our referral. I have never wanted six months to pass so quickly before in my life. Here we go with that patience thing again, huh?

More Ponderin'

I'm not quite sure when I became such a klutz but I did several things today that just reaffirmed the fact that yes I am indeed a klutz. I used to be a cheerleader. A flyer to be exact. I could scale many levels of people in a single bound, end up on top of a mount smiling and willingly jump/twist off and land on my feet. With a smile on my face. Somewhere along the way I seemed to have lost that grace and poise. Imagine if you will approaching the front of your all glass building where there is a meeting room filled with your colleagues looking out, you know they can see you but you can't see them through the smokey glass. You know the room is filled with people because you checked the schedule the day before, you walk tall as you are approaching the building, shoulders squared, head lifted, maybe even flipping your hair casually just to appear like you have it all together. You are wearing heels, feeling pretty good about yourself when IT happens. Just before the entrance your heel gets stuck in the crack in the sidewalk filled with goo. Your shoe sticks, the rest of your body does not. You end up propelling forward in an awkward hopping motion since you now only have one shoe. Shouting to yourself inside your head-do not fall, do not fall, do not f...... You end up not falling but not because of your cat like abilities but because your awkward hopping, forward propelling motion lands you in a bush instead. Leaves me to ponder-will Kolaina think I'm a cool mom if something like this happens while we are somewhere, like the mall, and she is hyperventilating because at the same time she spots the boy she has a crush on from math class he spots her and her mom is oh so gracefully hopping around on one foot because she just lost her heel?

If this was an isolated event it might not have got me pondering but many of you know the story of me losing the top to my swimming suit while at the completely packed pool in Hawaii and of me not having a pocket to carry a t*mpon in and ever so cooly tucking it into my pants waistband only to discover that it came out my pantleg while I was walking-that would be walking right in front of one of my male bosses. I probably don't have to remind anyone of the time I gave myself whiplash while wearing heels and having my heel sink into a hole in the floor at the office of my previous employer (in my defense I was walking REALLY fast to keep up with someone who had VERY long legs). I think I will take up ballet, or maybe yoga. I think I need to do something to help me get my coordination back. Or I need to hope that I have a really clumsy daughter.

Things to Ponder...

It is pretty incredible the way this adoption has kind of flowed right along with big moments in W's life. We received our corrected 171-H on W's graduation day, we received word that we were DTC the day before W's open house, we should receive our referral around the same time that W graduates from Boot Camp. I was talking to one of my friends about all of these coincidences when she made a startling observation. I have told people that I really believe that Kolaina was born in December. December just happens to be the month that W and M were born. December 2nd to be exact. She asked me if I had thought about the possibility that she could share a birthday with my boys. Huh? Nope, that thought never crossed my mind. Now it seems that that is all that I think about. The Chinese have a belief (I am paraphrasing here) that when someone is born there is an invisible red thread that connects that person to everyone who will be important in his/her life irregardless of time. The timing of all of these events does tend to make one go hmmmmm.

We Are DTC!!!

We received word on Friday that our paperwork made it into the "China Box" and was being mailed to China that day. So we are officially DTC. What does DTC stand for you ask? It stands for "Dossier to China". It is the next major hurdle we had to cross. We now wait for word of our LID which is our "log in date". The log in date is the official start of the waiting. Typically speaking you can expect to receive your referral for your daughter six months after your log in date. Since we are June DTC our referral should come right before Christmas!

I'm leaving on a jet plane

Okay so maybe it's not really me that's leaving....it is something even better. It is our dossier!! I paid the nice Fed Ex man this afternoon and sometime after 6:00 pm tonight our dossier will be making its way across the country to Texas to be delivered to our adoption agency by 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Woo-hoo!!! How happy can one family be? Well, our family is pretty dog gone happy tonight. I have no idea when our DTC date will be or what our LID will be (my understanding is you get your LID 7-15 days after your dossier is received by the Chinese government.) If this is true this is very good news. We could squeeze in under the wire for a June LID!! The paper chase has ended. Today is a very good day!

Bursts of Joy

Our corrected I-171H form came back to us last week. I took Friday off and drove like a mad woman to the Great Seal to get the document certified. On the way back into town I stopped at the bank and got a money order then stopped by my office to make a copy of the certified I-171H. I then had lunch with my social worker and proceeded to pop all of the documents that needed to go to Chicago to be authenticated into an Express Mail envelope and send them on their way. All day on Friday I was giddy. While lunching with my social worker she filled me in on what is happening with her personal quest to adopt her second daughter from China. As it turns out, she sent her documents to be authenticated one day before me! She then let me know that there are 7 families within a 60 mile radius that are at the same place in this adoption process, using the same adoption agency and so we are all planning on getting together and getting to know each other over the next 6 months. After I left her I was just so over the top happy. When I stopped by the post office to mail my documents, I had to ask the postal clerk if she would be willing to take a picture of me holding the Express Mail envelope (so if anyone was in the post office at the same time as the crazy woman holding up the line posing for a picture while laughing and crying at the same time, I apologize.) I want Koli's journey to be as well documented as possible. I want her to know that even before we knew her face, we loved her and felt it important to chronicle the entire process of bringing her home. Once I left the post office I called L on my cell phone and just burst out crying. He was so worried until I could blurt out that I was crying tears of happiness and explained that I had just mailed all of the documents to Chicago. Then he became excited as well. We are so close to the end of this paper chase. It should be at the end of next week that we receive our authenticated documents back, the next day we will Fed Ex our entire dossier to our adoption agency. So a June DTC date is looming ahead for us. While doing the calculations from that point forward, we should receive our referral in December. I want nothing more for Christmas than to be able to hold a picture of my daughter and know that very soon after that we will be holding her. Ever since Friday I will just be suddenly filled with bursts of joy. I break into a huge grin and feel so good. Our paper chase is almost over, we are only a few steps away from having our documents in the hands of the Chinese government. I think I am finally going to be able to start breathing again.

It's Finally Here (well, sorta)

Our I171H, the final piece of paper that we were waiting for is here! I tore open the envelope on Thursday afternoon so fast that I was afraid I ripped the form itself. After being so depressed that day, I got home from work to find it in our mailbox. I had to really make a genuine effort to keep my excitement to a minimum because it was W's high school graduation and the day really belonged to him. So I made arrangements at work on Friday to come in late on Monday so that I could take the document to the Great Seal to be certified on Monday. Today I was really looking over the document and realized that there is a potential error on the form!! The form states the day the request was received in their office (March 2005) along with the date the request was authorized (May 2005) only our form does not state May 2005-it states May 2006!! So I don't think I am going to be able to have a form certified that looks like it should not even be in existence for another year. I have emailed our adoption agency and will wait to hear from them tomorrow morning. We are sooooo close to the end of the paperchase that I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight while I worry myself to death over whether or not this is going to push us back. The form also has us approved for two children. Great to know but we only requested one. I tried to talk L into changing our letter requesting that we be allowed to adopt a baby to asking to be allowed to adopt twins but he's not budging on that one so I'm not pushing the issue. Keep your fingers crossed that this all gets worked out quickly so we can get these documents sent to China soon!

What a week!

This week has been frought with different emotions. Tuesday was the one year anniversary of my dad's death. To say the day was difficult would be an understatement. I know he is in a better place but I have had such a range of emotions running through my body this week that it has been pretty incredible. My poor family probably thinks that I am becoming a multi-personality individual. I am comforted by knowing that he is in Heaven but I am so sad at the same time. Tonight is W's high school graduation. I am absolutely thrilled and very proud of W's accomplishments and can hardly wait to celebrate tonight, I am sure he will feel his grandpa and grandma's spirits with him as he walks across that stage tonight. So joy and sadness are combined in my heart right now.

The clock is still ticking on the ever elusive and I do mean elusive 171-H. I'm beginning to think that it may never come. There is no joy in that statement that's for sure (sigh)

Clarifications and sweetness

I got an email from our adoption agency yesterday that was quite timely for me. I had been very confused as to what to call the agency that issues the 171H and they just happened to decide to provide everyone with a glossary of terms. This helped clear up my confusion on a number of different fronts. So the agency that will be issuing the 171H is now called the USCIS-formerly known as BCIS-formerly known as INS. So, now I'm up to speed on that one.
Our agency does not issue a DTC and Log-In date. They consider the date that your document is logged in to be your DTC date. So that means that we cannot be DTC in May. No matter when we send in our documents now our DTC date will be in June because it takes about 2 weeks once the documents get to China to be logged in.
So this takes some of the pressure off of my being out of town next week. I realized that I could not have my mom get our 171H certified if it came while I was away because we need to have a notarized statement along with a copy of the 171H to be certified. Since L is still hunting large scary bears out of the country, it would be impossible to move forward until he comes back home. So the Jeopardy music plays on in my head.
I have been so blessed with having some terrific friends. They listen to me whine and complain, share in my joy and always watch out for me. Koli's favorite aunt (actually one my best friends)is so dear to me. She has one of the purest hearts of anyone that I have ever met. She constantly amazes me with the care and compassion that she showers on all that are around her. She is one of those people that others are instantly attracted to. She is beautiful on the outside-and I mean drop dead gorgeously beautiful, but the beauty of her innermost self dwarfs her outer shell. She gave me my first Mothers Day gift from Koli. I drove home crying after receiving this gift because I was just overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness and caring I receive from her on a daily basis.
So today I have my sane hat back on. I realize that the timing of having our 171H certified is going to have to wait until L gets back anyway, assuming that it comes next week. I think I can handle this now but I apologize to all of you if when I come back from my business trip next week I still don't have the document. If you thought I have whined alot already, watch out. :)

Jeopardy Music

I now have the music from Jeopardy playing in my head. All of the time. You know the little ditty that they play while the contestants are writing down their answers to the final round question? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do...you get the picture. I feel like Alec Trebak (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) is going to jump out of one of my closets and ask-when will your 171-H come? And my answer certainly wouldn't put me in the category of Ken Jennings (is that the name of the guy that set the record for number of consecutive wins?)I would have to reply-I DON'T KNOW!!! I realize that it has only been two weeks but I want it NOW!! I took the rest of my documents to the Great Seal this morning so everything else is certified. I'm in the process of playing a silly game with myself-do I Fed Ex these documents to the courier and get them authenticated now or do I wait until I have the 171 and get them all authenticated at the same time? I keep trying to figure out which way would work best and coming up with what if scenarios. Like-what if I Fed Ex all of the documents to the courier to have her get everything authenticated and my 171 comes while I am gone? Should I ask my mom to get my 171 certified, have the Fed Ex envelopes and additional check made out so that she could pop them in the mail to get done on an expedited basis so that everything would be waiting for me when I got home? What if I waited until I got the 171 then paid to have everything expedited? Ugghhhh, I can't make a decision.
My poor son is now used to me calling him at home when I am on my way home from work. Every day. For the last week. He now answers the phone, Hi Mom, nope it's not here yet. Poor kid. But I am very fortunate he has such a good heart. He never used to get the mail but since L has been gone and he knows we are waiting on this one last document he took it upon himself to retrieve the mail everyday, hang around the house until I call just to give me an update. You know what the sad part of this is? By the time I am in my car driving home and he actually gets home from school, I am 20 minutes away from home. Is that anxious or what? I can't wait 20 minutes? I have to get a grip...

Come on 171!

I am so impatient. As everyone knows we are only waiting on our 171H to complete our dossier. Our homestudy was sent last Monday to meet up with the rest of our paperwork, it has not even been two weeks yet and I am already crawling out of my skin. I feel so much pressure to get this form ASAP because I leave to go out of town next Tuesday. I will not be back until Saturday night. If the form comes while I am gone, I will not be able to take it to get certified until the following Monday. If I have to certify it that Monday then send it to get authenticated, we may not make it under the wire to be DTC in May. I think I will cry buckets and buckets of tears if that happens. I keep reminding myself that this will happen in the time that it is supposed to happen but it is so hard to be in this holding pattern.
I am back into the cry at everything mode right now as well. L has been out of town for a week and will be gone for another 10 days. I miss him so much it hurts. This is the longest we have been apart since our days in the Marine Corps. I am so used to being able to express my fears and anxieties to him and having him make me feel better that not having him here right now is tough. So come on 171!!

Love and Heartache

I have been thinking alot lately about the people that I have loved and lost. The one year anniversary of my father's death is fast approaching. I miss him so much. He is the one missing piece in our journey. My dad LOVED kids. His grandkids used to love to spend time with him and I am so sad that Koli won't be able to experience the silliness that was so much my dad. He used to do things like make up silly songs with words like -If I had a nickle, I'd buy you a pickle and if I had a dime, I'd buy you a lime which would cause any kid in his vicinity to fall into fits of laughter. He would have been such a supporter of us and I really miss his presence.

My mother in law would have been right there with us as well. It might have taken her a while to get used to the idea but I have no doubt that she would not have already been planning on her and my father in law traveling with us to China so that she could meet her newest grand daughter.

I have also been thinking about M alot. With W, his twin, getting ready to graduate from high school, I can't help but reflect on all of the what might have beens had M lived. I remember feeling as if someone had physically ripped open my chest and pulled my heart out of its resting place when M died. The feeling of imbalance and overwhelming sadness that enveloped me for months and in some ways, years after M died which was only softened by the knowledge that I will see him again in Heaven where we will be together for eternity.

While thinking about M, I started thinking about the kind of sacrifice Koli's birth parents were forced to make. I cannot imagine having to make the choice that her birth parents had to make. I think about how I felt when M died and it hurts me to the core to think that her birth parents are experiencing that same kind of pain. All of the hopes and dreams they must have had while carrying her, then having to make the life altering choice to leave her somewhere where they knew she would be found. Having their hopes and dreams then change from what their family would be like to hoping and dreaming (I'm sure) that she be found and placed with a family that would love her. Forever. The love and heartache that they must be experiencing is mind numbing.I pray that they are given peace somehow in knowing that her forever family will love and protect her. She will hopefully one day accept Christ and join us in Heaven as part of the real forever family. While we have her here on earth we will never forget the love, pain and sacrifice her birth parents made and how it was because of them that we were given this most precious gift, our daughter.

One Step Closer!

I met with our social worker today over lunch where we exchanged paper, me giving her a check, her giving me..... OUR HOMESTUDY! She showed me the documentation that she did indeed send our paperwork to the USCIS/BCIS/INS (I've been informed that I keep calling the government agency by the wrong name but nobody can seem to tell me what the real name of the week is) so I will refer to it from now on as the agency that will send us our 171H-the only document that we are waiting on now. I am so excited!
We are one giant step closer. I ended up missing 3 days of work this week due to illness so I didn't take today off to get the other documents certified as I had originally planned. It turned out to be for the best since had I taken the day off, I would have been getting the other documents certified and would have missed the opportunity to pick up my homestudy. So my new plan is to take a day off sometime next week, get all of those documents certified then sent to the Chinese Consulate to get authenticated. Once I receive the 171H I will expedite that one document. It really looks like we are going to be DTC in May! If everything continues like it currently is then November will be when we receive our referral. Today was definately a good day.

Perspective

I received a message on my answering machine this afternoon from our social worker letting me know that the draft she had sent in to our adoption agency had been approved so we now need to set up a time for me to pick up the printed official version from her! Oh happy day!! After I listened to the message twice, I started feeling bad about how much I have vented regarding the lag in getting the homestudy completed. When I really sit down and put this into perspective, we started this process at the beginning of February. It is now the end of April and I will have my homestudy within the next day or two. Still not to shabby for timing, it's that control thing that I talked about in my previous posts. Any time I am not in control of a situation I lose my comfort zone. So, I am now back in love with my social worker. She really is a cool chick and I have learned a ton from her regarding China adoptions. Watching her with her adopted daughter has been wonderful, like giving me a small glimpse of what is to come for our family.
Speaking of love-I love Steven Curtis Chapman. I have been listening to a particular CD of his every day for months because of the song he wrote about adoption. He and his wife have adopted three daughters from China and the words to this song move me.

When Love Takes You In-by Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you're sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold

Chorus

Aaahhh, I love that song. I can't wait until this love we have for her takes Koli in and she really knows that she belongs here.

Is it a homestudy?

I am very scared to post this for fear that I will jinx myself. I received an email from my social worker today telling me that our homestudy should be in the hands of the USCIS today!!!! I'm a little scared to believe it since we just went through the whole*you will have your home study tonight but not really fiasco* but if this is true-holy cow!!!! So I have tears in my eyes, fear in my heart (that it maybe didn't really go out like she said)and overwhelming joy at the prospect that we may be so close to the end of the great paper chase and edging ever closer to the big "wait". I can take the "wait" I think better than this cycle that we are in. At least with the "wait" I can pretty much know that it will be 6 months at the earliest before we know who Koli really is.
Who Koli really is....what a statement. I already know her in my heart. She is my daughter. What joy that gives me to write s-h-e i-s m-y D-A-U-G-H-T-E-R!!!! I may not know what she physically looks like yet but I feel that on the deepest level our hearts are already connected.

It's a Two-fer

Some days I can't bring myself to post anything just because there has been no activity to report. Other days (like today) I feel like I have so much to say that I could post twice. So that's what I am doing. I sent an email to my social worker to see what the status of our home study was. She responded by telling me that she has not been able to open up the rough draft that I had emailed her last week. I know that she successfully opened it last week because I was on the phone when she did it. So the wait continues...
My family is getting me so excited. I love to talk to my older sister about Koli. She seems so genuinely interested and happy for us that I wish I could wear my cell phone permanently attached to my ear and talk to her continuously. She really is one of our biggest cheerleaders and it makes me so happy! She lives halfway across the country from me but you can bet that I will move heaven and earth to get her home to meet Koli once we return from China. L keeps telling me that if he is unable to make the trip (depending on the time of travel vs. his work schedule) he wants me to take my sister. She is very crafty (in the true sense of the word craft, like making craft-like items-not in the icky sense of the word like sneaky crafty) and I have no idea how she creates all of the really cool things that she does for her children. For a time she lived close to us and I can remember being so envious of her children for having such a fun mom.
My mom and I were on the phone today and I approached her about the idea of having her travel with me and Koli when I have to go out of town for my job. She was very supportive and enthusiastic about the idea which made me so excited. I don't get enough time with my mommy (my own fault) and the thought of being able to experience new things with both her and Koli just puts a smile on my face. How fun to be able to look forward to making my travel for my job not just a job but an adventure! I think my heart would be ripped out if I had to leave Koli with L (not that he wouldn't do a great job) but the boys were old enough to understand what I was doing when I first started going out of town on business and I never want to do anything to make Koli doubt her level of security and well being from her mommy and daddy before she can understand it all. Besides, I'll help her rack up her own set of frequent flyer miles (and my mom) which will enable us to travel to see W more often wherever he lands for his permanent duty station.

Camouflage and Ballet Slippers

We are still waiting for the ever elusive final home study to be completed. L&I decided to go ahead and get all of the other paperwork certified and authenticated while we are waiting and we will have the home study and USCIS approval expedited (read pay loads more money to get done quickly)once it finally arrives. If we do this if there are any errors or anything that needs clarification in the rest of our dossier we can get those corrected without holding up the process by waiting to send the whole thing together. Besides, this makes me feel like I am still moving forward which makes L happy because he does not like it when his half crazed wife with glassy eyes stares at him at 3:00 am wanting to know how a home study could be so complicated as to hold up the process as long as it has. So, I will be taking Friday off from work, driving to the Great Seal then sending the documents via courier to the Chinese Consulate next week.
L is leaving soon for a two week trip which involves hunting large scary bears. We decided to take a trip to Cabela's yesterday to pick up any last minute items he needed. In my mind, last minute items fell into the -great I can spend time with my husband, get a free breakfast and lunch out of the day and be home in time to cook dinner-no way, no sirree. Not on the same page as my husband at all, heck probably not even reading from the same book. We had to SET THE ALARM to be sure that we were awake by 6:00 am on the road by 7:00 am then proceeded to spend the entire day in that store-we did not leave there until 5:00 pm. If the amount of money that we spent on "last minute items" really was for things he thought of at the last minute then I am probably very glad that I have no idea how much he spent really getting ready for this trip.
Anyway-while wandering the store for hours we began talking about Koli. I started telling him about how excited I was that we would be able to buy a pink Barbie Jeep(this topic came up on one of the lists I visit so I was pretty geeked) for her to ride around in instead of the big blue Monster Truck that the boys had when they were small. He looked at me as if I had grown a third eye and calmly began telling me that there would be no pink Jeep, that they now make gas powered mini-4 wheelers (in camo color of course). Which started a whole huge conversation about how we were going to decorate her room-in my minds eye I can envision ballerinas and princesses and beautiful tones of pinks and purples and greens, while having this conversation we are wandering through the home furnishing section of the store when all of a sudden L stops, his eyes begin to bulge and he can hardly speak, so he points. My eyes follow his pointy finger to see what has him so dog gone excited. His finger is pointing towards a very small child size recliner and couch-in camo!! His words start tumbling out very quickly something like this "I'mexcitedIcan'tbelievetheymakethisstuffsosmallshecanhavetheseinherroomitwillbesocool" What?! I have parented three boys into men, had to look the other way when they wanted to decorate their rooms in posters of pin-up girls, placed permanent room deodorizers in half of my house, pretended to love listening to the heavy metal bands that I cannot for the life of me understand the lyrics to and now L thinks that Koli should have her very own camo colored 4 wheeler and camo colored furniture? I have no idea how I am going to incorporate camo and ballerina slippers into a decor that works but boy am I glad that I'm going to get the opportunity to try.

Someone Let Me Off This Crazy Ride!

Remember in my last post when I described my life as a roller coaster? Well, I was not kidding. Our social worker made it a point to call me yesterday just to let me know that she was finishing up our homestudy and that I could expect the rough draft later that evening. Loaded with anticipation I stayed up LATE waiting for its arrival. Finally I had to make the decision-stick tooth picks in my eyelids to keep them from closing or go to bed. I chose the less painful of the two options and then checked my email this morning. Still no homestudy. So I emailed our social worker who then left me a voice mail at my office telling me that she should not have told me that she would have it done yesterday, that she has had some scheduling conflicts come up and she does not know when she will have it done. @@#%&*!!. Why make it a point to call me to let me know that the report would be done only to pull the carpet out from under me? I think I'm back on the roller coaster and I want off...

One Step Closer

We had our final meeting with our social worker last night. She had me pretty freaked out the night before we met, she couldn't find one of the reference letters and thought she was going to have to send it out to have it completed again. I was about beside myself all night long thinking about that possibility. Fortunately the next morning I received an email from her letting me know that she had found it. She called me once the morning of our meeting to ask me a question then called again a couple of hours before we met to continue asking me questions. She was typing our homestudy as we were on the phone. Unfortunately she did not complete it in time to bring to dinner for us to approve so I am once again waiting for her to finish it. Once we receive the rough draft we have to look it over and if there are any discrepancies we have to let her know (please pray that everything is complete and correct when she sends it to us) Once we have reviewed it and approved it she will send the final copy to the USCIS and to our adoption agency. I am really hoping that she can get our rough draft done this week. If she does, there is still a possibility we could be DTC in May!
This is such a roller coaster ride. Half the time I feel like I am at the top of the roller coaster hill, looking down at everything feeling absolutely on top of the world. The other half is spent in sheer terror-you know the kind-where you are rushing down a coaster hill, through a loop, entering darkness and feeling like you are going to throw up. That is my life right now. I need some more time on top of the coaster hills.

Princess Breakfasts & China

We just returned this afternoon from 10 days in Florida. We love to camp at the Disney campground and this year, with friends in tow, we tackled the campground again. This camping at Disney thing has turned into quite the tradition, we have been doing it for the past 8 years. Last year I found myself thinking about the fact that I would only have two years left of enjoying the boys in these surroundings where they are so happy and carefree. This year was completely different. I had never attended the Princess breakfast before (for some reason I could never get L and the boys to agree to go) but this year two of the families that camped with us had little girls so I made reservations for all of the moms and daughters (I took D's girlfriend). I was awestruck. The whole experience was wonderful. As I was eating my food, watching the interaction between mothers and daughters and princesses, it suddenly occurred to me that by this same time next year I will have Koli. I will have her to experience all of the magic and wonder of new experiences with. In a few years I will dress her up in the princess costume of her choice, invite her Daddy to dine with us, and watch the sparkle in her eyes as Princesses she will have only known from books and movies suddenly come alive.

I needed this vacation so much more than I even realized. It was wonderful interacting with the boys and L (and D's girlfriend) without the usual time constraints on our family that we are held to at home. My family made it a point of visiting Epcot where we spent an unusual amount of time in the China pavillion. It was almost like without speaking the desire, we all wanted to explore this pavillion, speak to the workers, eat the food, do everything we could to feel a little closer to the country where our daughter and sister will be coming from. No one wanted to leave, we bought souvenirs from the store then laughed at ourselves at the fact that we were buying things made in China when we would actually be traveling to China early next year. It was a great experience and I am so thankful to have witnessed the interest that all 3 boys displayed in learning everything they could about their sister's homeland.
The time away did alot to help with my frustration levels as well. I am back now and this Friday we will meet with our social worker, it seems much more tolerable now than it did three weeks ago when I first found out about the delay. From now until Friday I am just going to keep reliving my vacation-going to my "happy place" in my head and reminding myself that this time next year, we will have our own sweet princess.

Roadblocks

We were scheduled to have our last visit with our social worker last night. She was going to bring the rough draft of our home study for us to look over and approve and would have had the final draft ready to go within two weeks. Early yesterday afternoon she called and asked to reschedule-for APRIL 15TH!!!@#$%! So now we will not see the rough draft until April 15th and will have to wait a few more weeks for her to finish the final draft. Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

We got fingerprinted this morning so we really are only waiting on this one last piece. I am so frustrated. I was so confident that we could be DTC in April, then resigned myself to May and now could have our DTC date pushed back until June. I feel like I could jump out of my skin right now. L keeps telling me that we knew there would be hurdles but darn it, my legs are short and I don't feel like I can cross over this hurdle right now. Time has taken on a whole new meaning for me since we started this process.

Ugghhh, I told you I hate not being able to control things.

What Did You Say?

I love my extended family. They are one great bunch of individuals. When I told them all that we were adopting, a few had their mouths open unintentionally, more began to speak enthusiastically, and a couple even cried (good tears, not holy cow are you absolutely out of your minds get the straight jacket kind of tears). The few that were shocked were classy enough not to say anything negative. I have two aunts that were present when I made the announcement. Boy do I love those ladies. Both were so loving and excited. I was engulfed in a room full of love.

After announcing to my family of our intentions and getting a really positive response I thought that I could tackle the world and everyone would be just as enthusiastic. I was so wrong. To anyone that is reading this (and you may or may not know who you are) let me educate you a little bit. We decided to adopt Koli (that's right, Koli-short for Kolaina-and I do not care whether or not you like the name, if I wanted to get your opinion I would have called you on the phone and invited you over to my house to have a let's name the H's daughter party, notice the lack of invitation?) our daughter, from China because that is where the Lord is leading us. No, I have no desire to have another biological child so that she would really be ours-Koli really will be ours. No, I do not care to "borrow" your daughter to see what I am getting myself into. Yes I am sure that we are supposed to do this even "at our age". No I have not lost my mind-okay maybe I have but I assure you that if I have lost it, it happened somewhere over the Atlantic years ago, but that's a whole different story.
(Sorry, I have the italic's thing stuck right now so the rest of this will be written like this unless I can figure out how to turn it off!)

To all of our family and friends that have been supportive-thank you, thank you, thank you. Your encouragement and support is what keeps us going some days. You all make the disappointment we feel at those that try to steal our joy bearable.

And as I was saying-I love my extended family-the classiest bunch of people I know. :)

I Love You/You Love Me...

I was thinking today of all of the birthday parties and celebrations we have to look forward to with Koli. This got me reminiscing about those types of events that we shared with the boys. One year my mother in law arranged to have Barney appear at D & W's joint birthday party. My boys were never into that crazy purple dinosaur and I tried to convince my mother in law that having Barney appear at a birthday party for a bunch of 7 & 8 year old boys was probably not such a great idea. She thought I was crazy, that everyone loved Barney. I still pity the poor soul that was in the Barney costume that day. Upon the announcement that Barney was in the building, W stopped in the middle of unwrapping a present, got this mischevious look in his eye that I knew meant nothing good was going to happen, let out a war cry that the finest indian chief would have been proud of and immediately ran to Barney, knocked him down and began pummeling him. The whole party erupted into utter chaos after that. L spent a good portion of the next 10 minutes pulling little boys off of the poor dinosaur.
I think about having birthday parties for a little girl and just can't imagine a group of ponytailed lil' sprites beating up on Barney.

The Social Worker Cometh

We had our first homestudy in our home last Friday (the first two were at different locations). I suffered from insomnia on Thursday night, probably from stress. I was stressed about everything-was my house clean enough, what should I serve for lunch, etc. I was so obsessed I went out and bought the little safety plugs you plug into the outlets that are not in use. That caused L and the boys to have a terrific laugh at my expense. They kept thanking me for keeping all of them from certain death by being tempted to put something, like a fork into the sockets that were not safety plugged up to that point. I know, I know, I'm becoming a crazed woman. So anyway, the social worker was here all day, she adopted her daughter from China 9 years ago so we got to watch her video which was quite interesting. I 'fessed up and told her that we had put our house up for sale and would be moving to our house on the water. Not such a great thing to say as I soon found out. She was adamant that I would have to be able to prove to her that we would be able to keep Koli safe from the water. I tried to get her to go take a look at the house while she was up here (she lives an hour away and we have to pay mileage) but she wanted nothing to do with my one stop shopping approach. So, she will have to schedule a visit to our new home once we are all moved in and safety features are firmly put in place. At least it will not hold up our process, we can send in an addendum to the home study after it is logged in to China. So after our day of emotional exhaustion (okay so the emotional exhaustion was only on my part) L didn't even break a sweat-he kept telling me that this was meant to be and the Lord was in control of this visit so I needed to stop worrying. One thing that we did find out which was pretty cool is that our social worker is a Christian. So all things worked together for good. One more visit with the social worker and our fingerprint appointment then it is time for me to relinquish all control. Relinquishing control is not something I do well,oh the lessons I am learning through this process.

Reality Sets In

So I was so very excited thinking I could pull all of these things together in time to be DTC by the end of April...
Enter reality. I have gathered all of the documents I need to gather, have our 3rd of 4 homestudy visits scheduled for tomorrow, have our 4th homestudy appt scheduled for March 25th where we will go over the rough draft of the homestudy, have our fingerprint appointment on March 26th but then I have to relinquish all control and put myself completely at the mercy of other people. Once we approve the homestudy report our social worker said that she will do everything she can to get our completed report back to us by the middle of April. We can't get our 171 government approval until the social worker sends the homestudy in to the approval agency so we are now looking at not being DTC until May. I'm so bummed. I used to laugh at the people in the adoption chat rooms that said that they would become emotional for no apparent reason just like when you are pregnant. Well, the last laugh is on me. I am an emotional wreck. I know that Koli is in China, and I am praying that she is at least getting her basic needs met. But I want to go get her now! I can't wait to hold that sweet baby in my arms and when I think that we have just really started this process it is enough to make me crazy. I am going to beg and plead with our social worker tomorrow to get her to try to finish our homestudy earlier in April but I'm not sure how successful I will be. I can't even bribe her with cookies since she is on a diet-how do I know this? I already broached the subject with her. So my lil' ole controlling self will have to learn to knit or something. I have thought of beginning a 100 wishes quilt but I know that I will need my mom's help to get that completed (the quilt is made by asking people to pick out a piece of fabric that is meaningful to them-either because it is something that they own,like a piece of an apron or a shirt, or a new piece of fabric that represents something that the person loves. Then they would write their wish on the piece of fabric and send it to me. I would combine all of the fabric wishes into a quilt and it would be Koli's 100 wishes quilt. That actually might be just the ticket to keep me occupied. We will see.