I am weepy today

Dreamsicle is experiencing her first illness since we have become a family. She is running a fever, throwing up-you name it she's got it coming out of every orifice of her body. She has wanted to be held for hours (this is the first time I have put her down in 6 hours) and just can't get comfortable. While cuddling and soothing her I started to have thoughts of her life in the orphanage. When she was sick, was she picked up and comforted? She has only wanted me and cries out "mama,mama,mama". Although on a certain level it makes me feel good that we are attaching to the point that she is seeking me out for comfort, it makes me wonder who she called out to for the first 12 months of her life. During the wait I pushed alot of the "what if" scenarios to the back of my head. I had to or it would have driven me crazy. Now that she is with us, I am finally allowing myself to play those scenes out in my head. It's not a pretty place to be (inside my head, right now, that is). I know she was well taken care of. Every picture we have of her from the camera we sent shows that she was probably cared for by the same ayi most of the time. But when that little sweetie looks me in the eyes, strokes my cheek and calls my name because she wants me to do something to make her feel better, I find myself falling apart inside. I'm not even sure why. She's here now, she's loved and well taken care of. I think I'm just starting to grieve for her and what she has endured and maybe, what she has lost.