Insomnia

I have been battling insomnia for the past few days. I have no problem falling asleep but then wake up a few hours later. McGyver was extremely puzzled by this since things are going well with the business, I know where all of the kids are (except U*Haul who is underway but I repeat repeatedly that no news is good news when he is floating around under the sea) and there really didn't seem to be any stressors that ususally trigger my bouts of insomnia.

It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that it hit me. We are closing in on the day that Angel Baby died. Yep. Tomorrow will be 24 years since I last held my sweet son with the bow lips and softest little baby coo you would ever want to hear. It's strange to me how true some of the things people said to me when we lost him are. A very wise woman told me shortly after we lost Angel Baby that you never get over your loss, you just get used to it. No truer words have ever been spoken.

And in all fairness, I still scratch my head at the asshat remarks we received during the same time frame-things like-"oh-you had identical twins and they were on the same schedule-that is why one died-you couldn't give them both the attention they needed." Really-if I saw that woman today, 24 years later I think I would punch her. Or the classic-"why didn't I tell you to prop the end of the crib up? If you would have propped the end of the crib up your baby would not have died!" Yep-still bitter about the ignorant things that people said after all of this time.

I still struggle with the what ifs. When you lose a child to something like SIDS you are never, ever free of the guilt of what if I had done something (anything!) different. And don't get me started on the emotional breakdown I had when the American Academy of Pediatrics began their "Back to Sleep" campaign. What?! You mean if I would have had put him to sleep on his back he would be here? Talk about something hard to reconcile in your brain.

I know he waits for us in Heaven. I know we will be together again. I tell myself that the worse day of my life was actually the best day of his. But until we meet again March 24th will always be my Friday the 13th.

Bad Blogger, No Biscuit

I have tried to log on a million times to update here but it seems like everytime I get a free minute I get writers block. I know, I know-this from the girl that can talk your ear off. Anyhoo-just a quick update to fill you all in on the latest Dreamsicle-isms...

Dreamsicle had an issue keeping her hands to her self at dance class one evening. It was parent watch night so I was able to be in the room. As she often does when she is uncomfortable she slyly made her way over to me for a quick hug 6 times over the course of her hour class. Each time I gently reminded her that she needed to keep her hands to herself and not touch the other little girls. After class I thought we should have a discussion about her behavior. Imagine my surprise when she told me that her brain had heard me all 6 times but her hands weren't listening.

The next week before heading into class I reminded her again about the importance of keeping her hands to herself. She innocently placed both of her hands in front of my face and politely asked me to please tell her hands myself so they knew I was serious.

Aunt Genious was taking Dreamsicle to gymnastics for me. It is our custom to stop by the golden arches for a smoothie for her to drink on the way. Aunt Genious was following the plan-pulling into the driveway Dreamsicle suddenly told her that she thought her smoothie needed a friend-french fries.

We have been talking alot about knicknames. Her knickname is Peanut (given to her by a friend of the family). She wanted to know what the knicknames were of everyone in the family that had picked her knickname so I went down the list starting with the kids-A-Boots, Big A-Ya-Ya,the Mom-Worm. When I got to the Dad I said R-Wizard. She repeats everyone's knicknames and when she gets to R's, she suddenly stops and said-Wizard? Really? He definately named himself.

She likes to wear McGyver's tshirts around the house and pretend she is a princess. The other day she put one on, made a terrible face while smelling it (she picked one up out of the laundry that he had worked out in) and proceeded to tell me the following "yuck-that is a different smell for Daddy-he doesn't usually break a sweat".

Back In The Land of the Living

Shew, it has been a rough couple of days but thankfully I'm feeling much better. I will try to get the Christmas Explosion Photos up soon.

Christmas Update

Will have to be postponed. After much feasting and frivolity yesterday I woke up with a fever this morning which has kicked my bahonkas.

I do have to ask though....does anyone else receive workout gear for every. single. Christmas. when you have never asked for it? Just sayin'...

Things Rolling Around In My Head

Lots of stuff rolling around in my head right now...

I have been done Christmas shopping for quite some time so why do I have this feeling of anxiousness that won't leave. I feel like I forgot to purchase gifts for someone. Oh. My.-please don't let that be the case!

There is big drama in my teeny tiny town involving women. Lots and lots of women. I won't go into the specifics because I believe that people are already being villified. I'm not trying to judge either but I urge those involved in the drama to take a minute and think about how you can still affect change for less advantaged women/children/families. I implore you to stop lamenting on facebook about how much good you could have done. You still can! There is no reason why you can't collect and donate coats/books/used cell phones/blankets to help those you state you can no longer help. You know the old saying talk the talk, walk the walk? I challenge you to walk the talk. If your hearts are being broken for the disadvantaged then I beg you to start a donation drive. Those that were disadvantaged a few months ago are probably still disadvantaged today. If you start a drive, let me know, I will be happy to donate what I can.

I am trying to put my big girl pants on and deal with the fact that U*Haul, Pixie and Lil Pea won't be home with us for Christmas. The truth is that I wish I could throw a big old tantrum, stomp my feet and they would magically appear. It is going to be difficult not having them home. I truly cannot wait until U*Haul's time in the service is over. I am happiest when I am surrounded by those that I love.

We had a potluck and gift exchange at work. I am so full that I think my eyeballs are actually bulging out of my head right now. Our team is a fantastic group of people and I am so honored to be associated with them.

I'm hoping to post one more post before Christmas. You would never guess I received a fancy pants camera for my birthday since I haven't posted photos in so long but just wait. The annual To*ys R U*s explosion that takes place in our living room every Christmas will be properly photo documented on this here blog this weekend.

Even Santa Has Limits

If you haven't guessed by now, McGyver is a complete push over when it comes to Dreamsicle. She doesn't write words yet so her letter to Santa was alot of very pretty scribbling which we then deciphered. I dutifully mailed her letter to Santa and was pretty proud of myself considering that I was able to check every single thing off her list as having purchased (per instructions from McGyver-his girl will not be disappointed). Well, the wee one has decided that she absolutely MUST send another urgent letter to Santa. There are two more things that she just cannot live without. Imagine McGyver's surprise when I txt messaged him that he had better stop at a store while he was in the big city because his daughter was in desperate need of two more things. A C*Hia Pet which is easily obtained. Oh, and a Sister. You know, cuz Santa brings everything you ask for.

This Morning

Dreamsicle and I had a bit of snuggle time before I left for work this morning. When it was time for me to head out the door I kissed her and told her I would see her later. She grabbed my arm and in a bit of a panic asked if I would help her pick out her clothes for the day. I told her I would be happy to but then asked why she felt she needed my help. It was then that she confessed this "When Daddy helps me pick out my clothes, I am always dressed funny."